The Mailmare
by theamberfox
Summary: Derpy Hooves attends the annual magic users convention in Canterlot.
1. Chapter 1

**The Mailmare**

_By theamberfox_

**Chapter 1**

"Alright Miss Hooves," asked the detective, leaning forward in his chair and peering over the table at me, "as you may already know, we have nearly a hundred eye witnesses claiming that you are solely responsible for bringing the terrible Nightmare Moon back into our peaceful country. Do you deny this claim or do you indeed accept responsibility for this disastrous event?"

Smiling only slightly, I carefully nodded my head, "No, I guess that's true sir. I am responsible for that, but you can't ignore that Trixie did help me."

The detective sifted through several papers lying on the table directly in front of him, slowly moving them from a small pile on his right to a much larger pile on his left.

"While the department agrees that Trixie did play some part in this mishap, we have enough evidence to suggest that she was not the primary influence." the detective said, not bothering to look up as he continued to work through the pile of papers.

In the brief silence that followed, I looked into the large mirror on the wall beside us, but my reflection was one that I hardly even recognized. I was wearing that fantastic purple hat on my head, its surface beautifully decorated with blue and yellow stars of various sizes. And my coat, partially hidden beneath the stained black suit I wore, was still a faint violet colour instead of the dull grey I had grown accustomed to. _I wonder how hard it's going to be to get that colour out._

"Now since you've already admitted to your crimes, the department doesn't actually need any more information from you," the detective continued, raising his head, and his gaze, back towards me, "but I must admit that you've piqued my curiosity, Miss Hooves. Just how exactly did you manage to rouse one of the most villainous ponies in history… at the Annual Magic Users Convention?"

I grinned, "Well, I guess it all started yesterday, at a meeting with my boss not entirely unlike this one…"

* * *

><p>"An anvil?" the dreary grey stallion asked in disbelief, his bewilderment replacing any and all irritation he should have had with me. "You dropped an anvil on somepony?"<p>

I looked directly back at him and hesitantly admitted, "Um... yes…"

"And a piano as well?"

"Yes," I nodded before quickly adding, "but it wasn't a grand piano."

The expression on his face, his furrowed brow, the long wooden pipe dangling out of the side of his gaping mouth, his huge fluffy white beard and mane… it was expressing his confusion almost too well and I must admit, the whole situation was beginning to make me smile like a complete nincompoop.

Trying to regain my composure before I started laughing, I opened my mouth once again, "I also dropped a pot of flowers and-"

"Enough!" he shouted, interrupting me quite rudely.

The postmaster never seemed to appreciate my joyful exuberance, or any facet of my life for that matter, and thus, I never came to appreciate any of his characteristics either. And though I now consider him to be a truly detestable stallion, I still remember the day I was first hired and the glow of his bright smile which had filled the room. Indeed, he was much more spirited back then, so completely full of life. But shortly after I started actually working with him, his attitude worsened. I could have sworn that his appearance during my interview was merely a façade, a cruel act that he used to lure unsuspecting victims into his den of pure evil, but my coworkers quickly tossed that theory aside. Each and every one of them said he wasn't like this before, but that something unexpected, terrible and altogether catastrophic must have happened to him recently, perhaps even the very same day that I was hired. However, I still have no idea what that life-altering event may have been.

"Enough, Miss Hooves." he repeated. "I'm trying to be sympathetic, but as usual, you are not making it easy for me. In the past week you've misdelivered thirteen of your letters…"

His words abruptly pulling my wandering attention away from the stallion's past life, I tried to understand what he was getting at. Thirteen was definitely an unlucky number and though it never even crossed my mind that the postmaster was a superstitious pony, it would make a lot of sense. It would certainly explain why he was always knocking on his oversized wooden desk whenever he spoke with me. But I always believed he was far more forceful than was really necessary, the stallion slamming his hooves so violently upon the desk that he severely dented and scratched the previously perfect surface.

"Misplaced seven more…" he went on.

But if he was superstitious, surely he would have realized that seven was a lucky number. Wouldn't that have cancelled out the negative energy of the previous number? In fact, I considered seven to be 'very lucky' and thirteen to be only 'kind of unlucky', so the luckiness would have easily offset the unluckiness of the situation, therefore creating an overall result of 'kind of lucky'...

Or was it 'almost lucky'? Math was never my greatest subject in school.

"And now I hear about this incident? Miss Hooves, you are very fortunate that mare isn't going to sue us for that."

"Who?" I asked, my smile falling.

The postmaster was obviously going off on some strange tangent now, his inane mutterings irrelevant to the topic of luck.

"The one you dropped the anvil on." he said plainly. "I don't know her name, but I hear she's a very important pony."

I flashed a strange glance back, "Why would I drop an anvil on-"

"Miss Hooves!" he shouted aggressively, slamming on his desk and crudely interrupting me yet again.

There were many things I disliked about the postmaster, but none more than his constant interruptions. He was always acting like I was some kind of brainless idiot that needed to be told when to stop talking. But I am no brainless idiot. I was the inventor of the cabbage bran muffin. No simpleton could invent the cabbage bran muffin, a unique flavour that critics have regarded as 'a disturbing adventure into the unwelcoming world of backwater baked-goods'.

The postmaster continued, "I realize that anypony can have a bad day, but…"

He paused and looked directly into my eyes, his facial features regaining the same expression he had before and forcing another stupid grin back on my face. I lifted a hoof to my mouth and diverted my gaze to the coat rack, trying to hide my amusement.

There, on the coat rack, the postmaster had hanging both his large coat and bizarre pointed hat. They were bright red with a thick white trim running around their edges. It seemed like a very strange getup to me, but then I suppose he was a very strange pony.

"…but you seem to find a way to make every day here a bad day." the postmaster finally concluded with a sigh. "Listen, I'm going to give you some time off. You can relax for a while and regain your composure and, hopefully, when you come back, everything will be just fine and dandy and I won't have to speak to you like this again."

"Oh! Like a vacation?" I asked, my eyes widening in anticipation as I lowered my hoof back to the floor and turned my attention towards the stallion.

"You could call it that." he cautiously replied. "Don't worry about the mail; we'll have somepony else cover your route while you're gone."

I hadn't been on a vacation since I went on a 'permanent vacation' from my last job as a professional philanthropist. I didn't mind the job and it definitely had its moments, but it always felt like I was just giving my money away and getting nothing in return. I guess I just wasn't very good at it.

"Just one last thing, Miss Hooves." the postmaster added, setting his pipe down on the brim of a glass ashtray nearby. "I want you to deliver today's mail… without any screw ups. Can you do that for me..? Please..?"

"Of course! Neither rain, nor sleet, nor-"

"Miss Hooves," he interrupted again, "at this point I don't really care if you have to wait until it stops raining, just get the mail delivered properly. And if I hear about any problems, you're going to have to start looking for a new job.

"Now hurry up and get out of my sight before I change my mind and simply fire you."

I blinked once before turning around and hastening out the door. I didn't like the postmaster, but I suppose I could understand what he was so angry about. I admit that I hadn't done the best job of delivering the mail lately, losing a few letters and damaging some of the packages, but I never would have thought I would lose my job over it. After all, I really liked delivering the mail. It was fun getting to see everypony's reactions when they received their letters and parcels. Some ponies were so happy to get mail from loved ones, their smiling faces beaming back at me, while others were simply confused, staring at their mail like they didn't even know what was going on. There was only one reaction I truly didn't enjoy seeing. It was the one where ponies got upset with me, like they never wanted to receive anything in the first place, but that's not really my fault is it? I mean, I didn't send them that broken lamp or those smashed dishes, so why are they angry at me?

Pushing my apprehension aside, I worked my way down the hallway and entered the mail sorting room only to be confronted with the same clueless looking individual I encountered almost every day of my life. I could tell his life was going nowhere fast; he seemed like such a failure. Frankly, I'd be surprised if he ever accomplished anything useful since he spent nearly all of his free time in that mailroom drawing these complicated diagrams on one of the many decidedly random chalkboards scattered around the walls. They were all incredibly detailed pictures of carriages and wagons with metal pipes sticking out the back and not a single pony at the front to pull them. And instead of reins, they had their spare wheel attached near the seat of the caravan as if the panic-stricken rider was supposed to grapple onto it when they inevitably lost control and careened off a cliff.

"At it again, are you Karl?" I chuckled lightly, approaching the unicorn from behind while he furiously ran a piece of chalk across one of the empty boards.

"Just take your mail and get out of here, Derpy." he said with a sigh. "I'm very busy right now. I believe I've finally discovered how to power the engine of my device! I'm going to use internal combustion to push pistons in-"

"Oh you and your crazy contraptions, Karl!" I laughed. "One of these days you'll learn that there's more to life than being cooped up in this mailroom, working away on these funny pictures."

He sighed again and turned around. I could tell by the annoyed expression on his face that he was obviously not very convinced by my argument, but I wasn't worried. I would find a way to clear his mind of this nonsense.

"Like what?" he asked with clear hesitation in his voice.

"Like romance! Adventure! Political intrigue! Love!"

"I think love and romance are essentially the same things, Derpy."

"Pfft…" I scoffed. "Amateur."

He just closed his eyes and shook his head.

"Tell you what, Karl," I said confidently, "I will show you the error of your ways, but first you need to do something for me."

"Look, we can talk about this later, just please take your mail and go. You're late, so it's the last bag sitting on the counter. You can't miss it."

"Oh, so you think you can get out of this argument just like that, do you Karl?" I raised an eyebrow to demonstrate my excellent deductive skills. "Well it's not going to be that easy."

"Alright, alright..." he complied, the annoyance easily visible on his face.

"Good, now close your eyes."

"Close… my eyes?" he asked with hesitation.

"Yes," I confirmed, "and don't open them until I tell you to."

Without a word, he sat down and closed his eyes. I think he was more eager to watch me leave than discover the true meaning of life, but that's exactly why I was doing this.

I quickly jumped into action, grabbing the chalk eraser near one of the boards and vigorously erasing everything in sight. I would convince him that his drawings of these convoluted machines were but a complication of reality and as soon as I abstracted them away, dissolved them into the very fabric of life, he could realize his full potential… or something like that anyway.

But when I finally erased every last thing on those chalkboards and told him to open his eyes, I wasn't exactly sure I liked the full potential of Karl. The unicorn exploded, his entire body trembling as he glared at me with a passionate flame glowing in his eyes.

And while he stared back at me, I realized something that I hadn't thought of before. I realized that erasing those diagrams may not have been the smartest idea because, although I had abstracted away the complications of reality, I now had to deal with a pony that was focused, attentive and obviously one-hundred percent in love with me.

He was speechless for now, but I knew what he wanted to say, which is exactly why it was so awkward. He was a nice pony, but I just wasn't really all that attracted to him.

"Derpy," his voice quivered, "do you know how long-"

"Oh! You know what?" I interrupted, half shouting my words at him. "I'm going to be late! So although I'm really, truly glad you've discovered the true meaning of life, I just don't have time for romance now, Karl. I've got important mail to deliver."

"Romance!" he asked, the fire in his eyes intensifying.

I really shouldn't have done that, mentioned that word. Because now that he knew I was aware of his love, he started to approach me. And soon, fear blanketed over me like thick pancake batter. He was surely going to pounce on me, smother me with his unconditional love!

"Don't worry, Karl." I hastily consoled. "We'll have dinner together sometime, I promise."

I jumped to the side as he leapt towards me, barely managing to escape his adoring grasp. And knowing that I couldn't afford to stick around any longer, I latched onto the mailbag sitting on the counter beside me and flew out the door of the mailroom as fast as I could, his powerful voice shaking the entire building as I launched into the sky.

"Hoooooves!"

* * *

><p>Arriving back at my humble abode in Ponyville, my attention immediately turned to the large white mailbag. It was unusually light today, feeling almost as if it was completely empty as I lifted it off the ground and plopped it onto the kitchen table. And sure enough, upon overturning the bag for my diligent inspection, only a single, brilliant white envelope fell out. To my wonderment, this envelope had perfectly articulated writing upon its front, but some kind of intricately detailed wax marking stuck on the flap. It was an image of two alicorns seemingly racing after one another in a circle. And while I was quite amazed with the detail of this strange, red gunk stuck on the side of the envelope, it was still simply gunk and I had no choice but to forcibly remove it. After all, I was going to deliver this letter properly and that meant I wasn't about to unsettle the poor recipient's stomach with the grotesque image of some identifiable gunk plastered on the side of the letter.<p>

After carefully peeling off the red lump and removing every last trace of the marking, I flipped over the envelope and focused my attention on the opposite side. On the top right corner was a stamp with a pretty blue butterfly fluttering through the wind over the number ten. The ten was for the number of bits it cost to send the letter, but I had absolutely no idea what the butterfly was doing there. If anything at all, I believed that this butterfly only sabotaged ponies' beliefs of our postal system. After all, what would a child think when they saw this, that butterflies delivered our mail? To me, the mere thought was completely unacceptable, to think of a world where the children grow up believing we live in some kind of magical fairy tale world oversaturated with rainbows and happiness and delicately choreographed song and dance! Unspeakable!

But I would not let my annoyance with our country's stamps intrude on my job and I turned my attention to the top left corner of the envelope. On it was the sender's information.

_Princess Celestia_

_Royal Canterlot Castle_

_Canterlot_

We never got many letters from the princess, so I found it to be quite strange that I was about to deliver one of them. She generally had other methods of sending and receiving her messages. I heard rumours that she stole and hatched baby dragon eggs to be used exclusively as magical mailboxes, slaves that existed for the sole purpose of sending instantaneous messages. Though I had also heard these baby dragons were especially susceptible to falling in love with white unicorns, turning into massive, terrible greedy monsters at random intervals, and eating extremely valuable jewels because they apparently 'tasted delicious', so I don't actually believe any of these rumours. Everything about them just seemed too farfetched. I had tried eating a jewel before, but I only managed to chip my tooth and I can assure you, the resulting visit to the dentist's office was not a 'delicious' experience.

The main attraction of the envelope, located in the direct center, was of course, the recipient's address.

_Twilight Sparkle_

_32 Meadowview Lane_

_Ponyville_

I remembered hearing that name before, but I couldn't remember where I had heard it or who it was. More importantly, however, I remembered that address. Something about it seemed awfully peculiar. It almost felt like the address listed on the envelope was… my own address.

I picked up the envelope and rushed outside the door, down the pathway and into the street. Quickly spinning around, I stared at the number on my house.

"Thirty Two" I mumbled quietly, still holding the envelope in my mouth as I confirmed the number near the front door.

I fluttered my eyes in confusion and looked down at the sign near the end of the street.

"Meadowview Lane" I mumbled more loudly.

Blinking once more, I looked back at the number on my house.

"Thirty Two"

I carefully set the letter on the ground beside me.

"Thirty Two Meadowview Lane." I announced loudly, attracting the attention of several mares and stallions in the immediate vicinity.

And though the most common reaction to my announcement had been one of surprise and misunderstanding, ponies staring at me awkwardly as if I were delusional, one pony reacted in a completely different manner. This was a pony I both recognized… and feared.

I had first encountered this unusual and terrifying individual about five years ago, the very same day I moved to Ponyville. Unable to find work in my hometown and longing to escape the tragedies of the bustling urban living, I had made the decision to move to Ponyville on a whim. It was a foolish choice perhaps, as I really knew nothing about the place. Well before I even knew what it looked like, I had already spent what little I had to purchase a house and tightly packed all my hopes and dreams into a pair of tattered saddlebags. (In reality, I had quite recklessly left most of my dreams behind when I left, but thankfully the nice ponies that bought my old apartment were kind enough to send them to me several weeks later.)

On the night I arrived in Ponyville and made the trek to the door of my new home, the town was all but deserted. It was perhaps rightly so. Well into the winter months, the cold was biting and heavy frost clung to my coat like popcorn between one's teeth. It kept me grounded and slowed my progress to a crawl, but I eventually reached the bright red door of my house and after fiddling with the keys for a brief moment, I turned the lock and opened the door, clumsily stumbling over the threshold and into the world waiting for me on the other side.

The world that waited for me on the other side, however, was not any world I could have ever expected. No, it was far more wretched and terrible than even the most intense body odour. For as soon as I had entered, a light flashed brightly from inside the dark room of the house and everything within it was illuminated at once, as if the very sun itself had risen inside my new living room. At the same time, a deafening barrage of noises pierced my eardrums; terrible screeching and high-pitched wailing that filled the room as quickly as the light had touched the corners.

The sudden brightness was nearly blinding and my vision became blurred, giving me only a squinting, deranged glance of the screeching monsters around me. Their long, snakelike tongues extended rapidly outwards, curling back in on themselves before extending again and again in pulsating motions. On the very crown of their heads, they each brandished a terrible spiky horn, wider at its base and sharper at its point than that of any normal unicorn.

And while this intense horror ravaged my senses from every direction, a single pony was visible in the chaos, peeking through the obscurity like the bright moon peeked through the clouded winter sky outside my door. I was sure she had been driven into madness, her eyes shut tightly as she babbled incomprehensibly and pranced around me.

This pony was a colour that still haunts me to this very day. Her coat, her mane and her tail were all the very brightest shade of the most horrendous pink.

Petrified, I dropped my keys and my bags, opening my mouth wide and shrieking louder than a rusty nail on a blackboard. Shortly after, the bright light dimmed before me, the noises settled to a murmur, the pink pony became a simple blurry pink object and I promptly passed out on the floor.

It was morning, several hours later, when I finally awoke, tearing myself from the sheets of the bed and jumping onto the floor, my eyes darting around the room like wasps. But despite the horrible events of last night, the room was empty except for the bed I slept on, my saddlebags neatly packed in one corner with my keys resting gently on top of them, and a small note on a bulky white nightstand.

_You sure haven't been to many parties before, have you?_

_Don't worry, you'll get used to it._

_Have a super-duper-awesomely-spectacular day,_

_Pinkie Pie_

If it hadn't been for that note, that strange slip of paper on the nightstand, I would have easily thought it all to be just a mere dream. But now I knew that this entire town was riddled with something far more serious than a bad cold. It was the host of a cult and this Pinkie Pie was its leader. She was almost certainly leading a band of pointy-headed, snake-tongued monsters and trying to involve me in some kind of extraordinary ritual or initiation that threatened to erase my existence forever, only giving me unsettling promises that I would soon 'get used to it' and 'have a super-duper-awesomely-spectacular day'.

Well either that or I had grossly overreacted to a welcome party.

Whatever the case may have been, I thought it best to avoid this strange pink pony to the best of my ability and I admit I was doing a respectable job of it, but now… now she was right here in front of me, staring me in the eyes and approaching me with a dreadfully happy and hurried hopping.

Pinkie Pie had an alarmingly wild hairstyle, huge tufts of hair puffing out erratically on her mane and tail. Her eyes were closed as she pranced about, but their soul-piercing gaze stained my memory like blueberries on a white tablecloth. And as she hopped ever closer, I found myself frozen in place, paralyzed with fear and unable to react to the bright pink that descended upon me.

"Hey there Derpy! Whatcha up to?" she said, stopping unexpectedly and flashing a chilling smile at me while her hair continued to bounce up and down pendulously.

"**OH, DEAR CELESTIA, WHAT DO YOU WANT WITH ME!**" I screamed, unconsciously backing away from her in horror.

"Oh, hahaha!" she cackled.

Her laughter was beyond any shadows of a doubt, disturbing. It shook my nerves violently and once again, I was frozen in place, pathetically fixing an unblinking stare down the witch's throat.

"Derpy, you're so funny! I just wanted to say hi and ask you why you're screaming your lungs out like a super loud and crazy screaming baboon in the middle of the street."

It hadn't occurred to me before that this pink demon might actually be able to help me with my problem. And as much as it pained me to admit it, if anyone knew where I lived, it would have to be this terrifying, all-knowing monster that had ambushed me on the very first day I had arrived here. And if she could confirm that this was indeed my address, then I could get away from her and escape to the sanctuary of my own home as quickly as possible.

"**IS MY ADDRESS THIRTY TWO MEADOWVIEW LANE!**" I desperately screamed back at her.

"Hahaha!" she laughed again.

Her laughter was so horrible. I couldn't stand it. I closed my eyes and quivered in fear, pleading that she would answer and leave me in peace.

"Of course it's your address, silly-willy." she said as soon as she had stopped laughing.

The adrenaline kicked in at once and my heart, unrestrained, seemed to burst from my chest. With not a moment to lose, I snatched the letter lying on the ground and darted into the house. I then threw the letter on the floor of the living room and slammed the door, locking it securely behind me.

A few heart-wrenching seconds later, I carefully pulled myself to the window and peered out through the gap in the curtains. Outside, Pinkie Pie tilted her head to one side and then laughed once more, sending violent shivers coursing down my spine. Soon after, however, she stopped her wretched cackling and bounced away, finally disappearing from my sight and putting my mind at ease.

Like thick marmalade, I slid down the wall and consolidated myself on the floor. I had narrowly escaped her this time, but I was certain I wouldn't be so fortunate again. She was always there, always watching, and always laughing.

But I had more important things to worry about at this point in time than the possibility of my imminent demise and I began to pull myself along the floor to the now bent envelope resting by the doorway. The letter was indeed interesting, being addressed to this very residence, and I wanted to know why it had been sent here. Pulling my eyes over the letter and looking down upon it, I read the face of the envelope once more.

_Twilight Sparkle_

_32 Meadowview Lane_

_Ponyville_

Knowing that I and I alone lived in Ponyville at the address 'Thirty Two Meadowview Lane', I believed there was only one conclusion that could be reached at this point in time. The conclusion that I made was ever so obvious, that I, Derpy Hooves, am also Twilight Sparkle.

* * *

><p>Author's Notes:<p>

Hello everyone! I hope you enjoyed the first chapter of my new story.

For those of you interested in getting better, proper look at the cover art I created for this story, there is a copy of it on my blog on fimfiction. There is also some general information about the story there, but to sum it up, I plan on making this story four chapters long with each chapter lasting about ten pages.

And for those of you who are interested in, but unfamiliar with my other work, you can check out "Shadows of the Sun", a much deeper, darker story about politics and tragedy. (It is, however, just about the complete polar opposite of the story you have just been reading.)

* * *

><p>Disclaimer:<p>

"My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic" and its derivatives are the sole intellectual property of Hasbro©. I do not have, nor claim to have, the rights to the intellectual property that this story is based on.


	2. Chapter 2

**The Mailmare**

_By theamberfox_

**Chapter 2**

Yes, of course, it all made perfect sense now. _I am Twilight Sparkle._

This revelation actually explained a lot about my life. Most notably, it explained the nonsensical thing called sleep. Every day, when the sky grows dark and the lights begin to turn on in ponies' houses, I start to feel strangely fatigued, physically tired regardless of what I had been doing that day. But what use was there in always tossing away the night, the beautiful starry sky, the radiant moon, the peace and quiet, and all that time I didn't have to spend working at my job? What use was there in lying on a soft surface with my eyes closed and my mind slipping out of consciousness for all those long hours? Those questions had always left me flabbergasted, but now I felt like I finally knew the answer behind it all.

I was the normal, boring Derpy Hooves during the day, but at night someone else, or **something** else, took over and I became Twilight Sparkle. And this mysterious pony, my unknown alter ego that ruled the hours of darkness, was most likely going on amazing adventures and attending wild parties while I was left with only a fading, surreal recollection of these experiences. I used to call these bizarre memories 'dreams', but now I believe they were actually hints to my secret Twilight Sparkle life. These fabulous reveries, where I rode a dragon, ate a muffin the size of a small cottage, and battled intensely with the villainous 'Salmonella', were all hints to the alternate reality that encompassed every second of my nights.

But that wasn't all. I had also realized something about the taxes I had paid over my lifetime. Why in the world did I ever have to pay taxes? Could Princess Celestia, whom I understood to be the most powerful being on this planet, not pay for our roads and racetracks? Could she not feed the poor and save the orphans from a life of misery all on her own or did she really need my two bits? I had always believed that my tiny contributions were meaningless to the princess, but now I understood. I understood that this money was not going to the princess, but instead, it was going to Twilight Sparkle, to feed her insatiable desire for excitement, adventure and what I could only assume was a prestigious and exhilarating life.

And I must admit, at first this train of thought had forced a gleeful admiration of Twilight upon me. She got to have all the fun while I did all the hard work. I longed to trade places with her, live her life instead of mine. But it wasn't soon after that this admiration turned into pure hatred, for I began to realize that Twilight was truly an evil, despicable creature. She got to have all the fun because she was stealing all the fun out of my life and I wanted it back.

Steaming with rage, I threw the letter on top of the table nearby, ran up the stairs of my house, and darted towards my bedroom door. Twilight Sparkle only took over at night, but if I could fool her into believing that it was now night-time and that, like usual, I was fatigued from a long day of hard work, then perhaps I could bring her out of hiding, catch her by surprise and confront her once and for all.

But as I neared ever closer to the door of my bedroom, which stood only slightly ajar, I began to have second thoughts and my pace slowed to a crawl. I realized I was going up against an unknown foe and I had no idea what to expect from her, or it. I didn't even know what she really was. Was Twilight a magical being or a wizard, casting a spell on me when the moon arrived in the night sky? Was she a ghost or an insect? For all I knew, she could be some kind of grotesque, anthropomorphic potato with a ravenous appetite for blood!

I knew that any of these things could lull me to sleep, work their way into my head and take absolute control while I lay unmoving, unaware of their presence. The very thought of a potato crawling into my head at night, digging and chewing on the soft and fragile tissues of my brain sent cold shivers down my back. My hair rushed towards the ceiling, desperately trying to free itself from my body and the perilous unknown that lay ahead. Shamefully, I too was preparing to turn around and run away, but soon stopped myself, for I knew that I had to confront whatever was on the other side of that door or I would be forever condemning myself to a life of boredom and oblivion. And that was a life I never wanted to live, not even for a second.

Well except for Tuesdays, anyway. Tuesday was couch potato night and boredom, oblivion, and frightening amounts of nachos are all essential components of a successful couch potato night. But on every other day of the week, I can plainly assure you, boredom and oblivion are part of a life I never wanted to live, not even for a second.

Breathing deeply, I gathered what little courage I had mustered and gently pushed the door open. It creaked loudly as it gradually swung inward and my eyes grew wide with wonder and even fear as, little by little, more of the quiet room inside was revealed.

At first, I stood frozen, fixing my gaze into the messy room. I could see nothing peculiar about the place. And aside from a creative assortment of half eaten muffins haphazardly spread around the area, it hadn't changed much since I first moved here. The bulky white dresser now had a bright yellow lamp and a small round clock on top of it. And the window, with its flowing blue curtains pulled aside, let in a fat ray of beautiful light from the sun that fell down upon the surface of the bed, its dull grey sheets and pillows bundled against one corner of the plush surface.

It had always been my sanctuary, a place of artistic expression even, but now it was, without a doubt, a deathtrap. But I was too determined to save my freedom from the clutches of Twilight Sparkle's grasp and so I swept away all the last traces of my apprehension.

"Oh my!" I said loudly, glancing quickly into each corner of the room. "I sure am tired from all that hard work I did today!"

I closed the door behind me and rushed to the window. And after yanking the curtains closed, I watched the beam of sunlight as it vanished completely, shifting the atmosphere of the room from a happy sanctuary to a dark and ominous cavern.

_Perfect._

"I am going to bed now, for I am most certainly fatigued!"

I lifted the sheets and crawled under the mess of the covers, resting my head against one of the pillows and closing my eyes. But though it was comfortable, I refused to relax, tensing my muscles and pinning back my ears for even the slightest hint of my evil oppressor.

The gentle ticking of the clock engulfed the room.

_Tick tick tick tick._

"Where are you Twilight?" I whispered.

_Tick tick tick tick._

"What are you?"

_Tick tick tick tick._

"Are you going to attack me?" I asked, my voice growing louder and more panic-stricken.

_Tick tick tick._

"Are you going to bite me?"

_Tick tick._

My eyes opened. "She's going to bite me."

_Tick._

"**YOU'RE GOING TO BITE ME, AREN'T YOU!**" I screamed, throwing off the covers and leaping out of bed. "**I'M SORRY, TWILIGHT! PLEASE DON'T HURT ME!**"

I yanked the door open, ran down the stairs and immediately crashed into the large table near the kitchen, knocking it over and sending me, the table and the letter still sitting on top of it hurtling to the ground.

Dazed and tangled amongst the wreckage of the now ruined table, I rubbed my head with my left foreleg and simultaneously looked at my right. To my absolute horror, my leg was scratched and bleeding!

"**WHY TWILIGHT!**" I sobbed uncontrollably. "**WHY WOULD YOU BITE ME!**"

Part of being a mailmare was getting bitten by large, aggressive dogs and animals and acquiring an assortment of elliptical red owies, so I was quite familiar with the appearance of a bite mark. But upon closer inspection, my injury didn't really look like a bite mark. No, this owie was perfectly straight. It looked more like I had scratched my leg crashing into a very solid table, which admittedly, I had just done.

And so, realizing that I probably hadn't been bitten and that Twilight probably hadn't come out of hiding yet, I casually stopped sobbing and glanced to my left. Sitting amongst the pieces of broken table was a letter. It was the same letter that had started all of this and yet, it remained unopened. I was determined to change that.

Carefully lifting the flap of the envelope, I pulled out the letter and set it on the floor in front of me so I could properly read its contents.

_To my faithful student,_

_Twilight Sparkle_

_I'm sure you're curious as to why I chose to send this letter through the Royal Equestrian Mail Service, but I think that answer ought to be fairly obvious. And despite the rumour that the REMS is traditionally unreliable and slow, I have the utmost confidence that they will take better care of their princess' mail._

_I'm truly sorry to hear about Spike's rather unfortunate stomach illness. And though I understand that you're concerned about the dragon's health, I can safely say that I did not need to know the finer details of his experience. Now, nor ever, do I want to know what colour it is, what it smells like, how frequent it is, or anything else of that nature. And in regards to your enquiry, no Twilight. I absolutely forbid you from writing a scientific journal, a research paper, or anything else about the ordeal. And to tell you the absolute truth, I find the notion that you even considered creating such a thing, disturbing._

_At any rate, I wish Spike well. Just tell him to stop eating rocks and I'm sure he will get better very soon._

_As for you, it's quite obvious that you could use a holiday. So contained within this envelope are two tickets to the Annual Magic Users Convention to be held at 5:00pm, the 23rd of April, here in Canterlot. It is a prestigious event, reserved for only the most reputable and influential unicorns, alicorns, and other magic users. And after all the amazing accomplishments you have made, I think you've earned the right to attend._

_Please remember to wear the proper attire for the event and don't forget to find someone to look after Spike while you're away._

_Your devoted mentor,_

_Princess Celestia_

There were two things that became immediately apparent to me after reading that letter. The first was that my alter ego, Twilight Sparkle, was being invited to another undoubtedly awesome party. The second was that I needed to learn more about Twilight, so that I could impersonate her and go to this party myself.

I learned that she was Princess Celestia's student, which was a very prestigious responsibility. I also knew that she was looking after or had otherwise enslaved a dragon, which was yet another awe-inspiring characteristic of my evil counterpart. And finally, I knew that she was a unicorn, alicorn, or some other competent magic user that had made numerous significant discoveries or accomplishments.

So basically, I learned that my doppelganger was awesome. Unfortunately, I already knew that. So if I wanted to attend that party, I would still have to find out what she looked like and what she actually did. Then I could properly masquerade as her and take back some of the priceless fun and entertainment she had been rudely stealing from me.

_Well, surely gathering some light information about her won't be a problem. I have lots of time. After all, the 23rd of April is…_

I looked at the calendar hanging on the wall.

…_today._

Today was indeed the 23rd of April, which meant that I had less than a day to prepare for the party. It also meant that the REMS had, unfortunately, been very careless with the princess' mail. To me, it was almost unbelievable that they had done such a poor job of delivering such an important letter, but it was delivered to the right place in the end, so I suppose it was a forgivable mistake.

Pulling myself out of the wreckage of the table, I glanced over to the clock on the wall. It was early in the morning, but I would still have to be very efficient if I wanted to attend the party. I needed to find some way to gather enough information on Twilight, disguise myself as her, and arrive at Canterlot for five o'clock.

Of course, the fastest way of obtaining information about Twilight would be to ask the all-knowing pink demon, but I wasn't willing to risk my life like that again. Instead, I opted to ask some of the other ponies around town. If I was fortunate enough, I would still learn something about her and have enough time left over to prepare for the party.

So with not a moment to lose, I slung the mailbag back over my back, placed both the letter and the two tickets inside of the bag, and wandered out the front door. To my surprise, standing directly across the street from my house was a light blue pegasus with a striking, multicoloured mane and tail. This mare was better known around town as Rainbow Dash, vigilant spectator of the skies and obnoxious protector of egotism.

And while my description of her is perhaps proof enough, I confess I was never incredibly fond of Rainbow Dash. She was a show-off, always trying to make it look like she was better than everyone else. However, that part of her personality wasn't actually what bugged me. It was something else, something tragic and heartbreaking that happened nearly a year ago.

I was going to the local bakery, a pleasant little shop owned and operated by the equally pleasant, Mr. and Mrs. Cake. Regrettably, that sinister pink witch of a pony also worked there from time to time, making my weekly visits a life-threatening wager, but as long as I arrived during her absence the journey was always worth its weight in gold and my fear of the pink pony would quickly slip to the furthest reaches of my mind. My visits were so valuable to me because that bakery, Mr. and Mrs. Cake's beloved bakery, was the only place in Ponyville that I could find my one true love. Inside that bakery was something so beautiful and amazing that even Celestia herself could not compare. Inside that bakery were the most delectable treats in the world… muffins.

And Mr. and Mrs. Cake baked the most undeniably scrumptious muffins! They were incomprehensibly amazing, much better than anything I had ever tasted! Soon enough, it had become a weekly necessity for me to buy dozens of these muffins in all sorts, shapes, and sizes. But it was because they were so incredible and because they had become such an essential part of my life that I always had this horrible rumbling feeling in my heart that, one day, my true love would leave me... And on that one warm, innocent summer day, my greatest fear became reality. For when I walked into the bakery, with a smile on my face and a pair of massive bags slung over my back to hold a great bounty of the delicious treats, I heard this conversation.

"No, no. I don't like muffins. They're totally gross!" a voice complained. "Don't you have anything else?"

I stopped. My mouth fell wide open and my legs started to tremble. _Gross..?_

A voice I recognized as Mrs. Cake's quickly responded. "I'm sorry dear, but we just don't have time in the morning to make more than one thing for breakfast."

"Then why don't you make something new for a change?" the voice continued. "You could make bagels! Bagels are great and they're so cool! They're like doughnuts, but you can toast them and put butter or jam or anything you like on them!"

I couldn't believe what I was hearing! _Bagels!_

"Oh dear, I don't know…" Mrs. Cake hesitated. "I think most ponies prefer our muffins."

I felt myself relax a little. My mouth finally closed shut and my body stopped shaking, but I was still worried. _They would never stop selling muffins, would they?_

"Oh come on!" The strange voice persisted. "Everypony got sick last time you made muffins!"

"Well, everypony makes mistakes sometimes…" Mrs. Cake intervened with a trace of regret in her tone.

"Yeah, but everypony's tired of those old things!" the voice interjected. "You know, I bet business would really pick up if you started baking something else. We all need some change in our lives every once in a while. I mean, you're probably pretty sick of baking muffins all the time. I bet you would really like making something new."

Following the stranger's argument, there was long period of silence that filled the room. My body started to shake again. It sounded almost as if Mrs. Cake was actually thinking about making bagels! But more importantly, it almost sounded as if she was going to stop making muffins!

"I suppose you're right." Mrs. Cake finally admitted. "Tomorrow, I'll start making bagels instead. It'll be nice to make something else for a change."

_No… that's… that's impossible…_

I wanted to say something. I wanted to scream and shout and stop her! She couldn't just stop making muffins! But I was helpless to the cruelty of the world around me. I was so traumatized that I couldn't do a single thing. My body froze, my vision blurred and soon enough the whole bakery faded into a bizarre darkness.

I awoke on the cold floor of the bakery only a few moments later. A rainbow-coloured pony was standing over me, looking down at me. She actually seemed worried and even asked if I was okay, but the only thing I cared about was the muffins. I asked her if there were any left. She simply shook her head. It felt like someone had kicked me hard in the stomach and I curled into a tight ball on the floor, ignoring the pony above me. My vision faded again and before long, I fell unconscious once more. And for the second time in my life, I awoke at home on the soft bed in my room with a note on my bedside table.

_You must have gotten really sick from those muffins. Don't worry. I talked to Mrs. Cake about it already. They're not going to make muffins anymore. They're going to make bagels instead._

_Your saviour,_

_Rainbow Dash_

Rainbow Dash… She ruined my one true love and though I eventually learned how to bake my own muffins, they were never quite the same as the delicacies that once filled my life with such immense joy. I eternally loathed her for what she did to me. Regrettably however, I needed her help now, so I put all my past feelings aside and started to approach her with a big, fake smile on my face.

"Why hello there, Rainbow Dash!" I cheerfully exclaimed, walking quickly towards her. "How are you today?"

At the moment, she was standing in front of one of the many public bulletin boards positioned around town. Typically, these were used for announcements, but ponies would also use them as a sort of free classifieds. They would put things up for sale, list job openings or ask for volunteers for help with events like the Sisterhooves Social.

"Not too good, actually." she said, maintaining her focus on the bulletin board.

On her back was a pair of heavy saddlebags, each full to the brim with large sheets of paper. In the silence that followed her response, Rainbow Dash reached into one of the bags, pulled out one of the sheets of paper and affixed it firmly to the center of the bulletin board. She then slowly backed away and turned around, letting me see both her face and what she had just put up. She looked very angry.

"Some… **jerk** has been spreading rumours." she fumed, furrowing her brow and very nearly foaming at the mouth.

Turning to look at the text on the poster attached to the bulletin board, I quickly learned exactly why she was so angry:

_Rainbow Dash is __NOT__ a fillyfooler!_

This was then followed by a large picture of Rainbow Dash, passionately saluting the viewer for absolutely no reason I could possibly understand, and then some more text:

_This has been an important public service announcement from Rainbow Dash!_

I smirked.

"**It's NOT funny!**"she intervened. "And when I find out who's responsible for this, I… I… **I don't even know what I'm going to do to them!**"

I actually knew who had been spreading this rumour, but I was definitely never going to tell her that. You see, in an effort to teach the poor, obnoxious and misguided pegasus in front of me a lesson for what she had done to my precious muffins, I had grown an immature habit of trying to get on her nerves whenever possible. In other words, I had started playing a series of pranks on her, starting with the classic 'bag of flaming doodie on the doorstep' and eventually working my way up to this, my most recent scheme.

I had, through my own clever means, distributed similar posters to the ones Rainbow Dash had made and posted just now. However, the posters I created said quite the opposite. They were made to convince everypony that she was none other than a jester! I wanted everypony to think she was a clumsy oaf! **A clown**! **A FILLYFOOLER**! And what a joy it was to see how angry Rainbow Dash was about the whole situation!

"You wouldn't **believe** what some ponies have been asking… or **doing** to me lately…" the irritated pegasus continued, covering her eyes with a hoof. "This is even worse than when somepony threw a flaming bag of crap through my window. I mean, what kind of pony even does something like that anyway?"

Oh, that's right. Due to some unforeseen circumstances, the flaming bag of doodie just kept falling through the cloud that was Rainbow Dash's doorstep. So instead, I had thrown the bag into an open window. It essentially accomplished the same thing, right?

Meanwhile, I was smirking and biting my tongue, frantically trying to prevent myself from laughing out loud.

Only adding to her frustration, and to my shear delight, a stout, pale green stallion walked by the bulletin board, stopped briefly to look at the poster, and then continued on down the street with a tremendous smirk decorating his face.

"Yeah right, whatever you say Rainbow Dash." he chuckled, rolling his eyes at the pegasus as he walked by.

"**YOU WANNA SAT THAT TO MY FACE, WISE GUY!**" Rainbow Dash fumed, waving her hoof in the air and sending the offending pony scrambling away from her as if the enraged mare was literally breathing fire on his tail.

When he had disappeared out of sight, Rainbow Dash let out a heavy sigh and slowly rubbed her eyes. By now, I realized I had probably gone too far with my little joke, but it was difficult to be empathetic with a pony painted in more elaborate colours than a carnival tent. She even looked like a clown.

"You know that, even as a small filly, I've always dreamed of being in the Wonderbolts, right Derpy?" she asked quietly, her mood picking up slightly. "Well to tell the truth, I'm not really all that interested in being an ace flyer or an acrobat of the sky or anything like that…"

"You're not?" I asked, honestly surprised by what she had revealed.

"No." she answered frankly, letting a smile work its way across her lips. "I'm more interested in something else. You see, all my life, I've always wanted to be a real first-class player and I think being a part of the Wonderbolts, even just for a few days, would really boost my social standing, maybe give me a couple awesome stories to tell. But now…"

She sighed again.

"Well let's just say this whole fillyfooler mishap is attracting the wrong crowd." she declared with a frown.

"A player?" I asked, still not quite picking up what she was putting down.

"Oh come on, Derpy. Don't play dumb with me." she said, simultaneously smirking and winking back at me. "A charmer, a debonair, a real smooth talker… I want to travel the globe and be the kind of mare that's always getting some of that juicy stallion rump, if you catch my drift."

She grinned tidily, winked at me more times than I could count and gave me a few gentle nudges to the ribs.

"You want to be a cannibal!" I asked.

The colourful pegasus stopped what she was doing and just glared at me before asking, "Is there a reason you came over here, Derpy?"

"Oh! Yeah!" I said. "I wanted to ask you about a pony named-"

I paused and cemented a sober look onto my face, taking a quick glance around to make sure nopony else was watching or listening to our conversation.

"Twilight Sparkle." I whispered, leaning forward.

"What?" she asked.

She seemed genuinely confused by my question, but I could understand her reaction. I had even expected that kind of reaction from her or anypony else for that matter. This Twilight Sparkle was truly a mare of mystery.

I repeated, "I want to ask yo-"

"Yeah, yeah, I heard you." she smiled. "I just don't get why you're whispering and looking around like that. Are you feeling alright?"

"Rainbow Dash, my entire life may depend on the next words that come out of that mouth of yours and I'll be damned if I let you toss away my existence for another one of your childish jokes!"

For a moment after that, there was complete silence. Obviously the mare, currently in a state of shock, was finally beginning to understand the gravity of the situation. I just hoped she had something useful to tell me.

But just as she was about to open her mouth, we were curtly interrupted.

"Oh Rainbow Dash, I'm so glad I found you!" a rather timid voice sounded out from behind me.

"Oh, hi- **WOAH! **What in Celestia happened to you, Fluttershy!" the mare replied, her eyes like saucers, fixated on the pony speedily approaching us.

Upset that I had been interrupted, but somewhat interested in why this pony had caused such a dramatic change in Rainbow Dash's attitude, I turned around. Approaching us was a female pegasus. On her head and tail was that dreaded pink colour I found so insufferable, but what was more interesting was her delicate yellow coat, which was literally printed with elliptical red owies. There must have been at least three dozen of these wounds on the pegasus, but they were very small and didn't look to be all that painful.

"It was horrible." Fluttershy said.

Her words were weak, but hastened. A dim sense of panic seemed to weave itself into her voice as she spoke.

"I was in my garden, tending to all the pretty flowers and yummy vegetables, when something strange crawled out of the bushes to my right." she continued. "It was a tiny little turtle, about the size of a coin, and he was slowly crawling towards me. He was just so adorable; I didn't think I'd ever seen such a little turtle. But before I could get a proper look at him, I heard a rustling on my left and I was surprised to see that there were two more little turtles, just like the one on my right. They seemed to be multiplying. But I thought they might just be hungry, so I smiled at them and turned around to get some food out of my cottage.

"And that's when it happened… Behind me, there were a dozen more of the little turtles and they were beginning to circle around me. Rainbow Dash, I was such a fool! Until just then, I didn't even realize that they were **snapping turtles**!"

Rainbow Dash raised an eyebrow, "So?"

"And then they attacked." Fluttershy continued softly, her eyes wide with fear. "It was horrible! I screamed and screamed at the top of lungs for someone to help me, but no one came to my rescue! No one came to save me from the turtles! I couldn't believe it! I was screaming so loud, just like this…"

Perhaps it was because she was such a quiet and timid pony, even when describing a vicious attack, or maybe it was because Rainbow Dash was rolling her eyes and not even really paying attention, but I can't honestly say that either of us were prepared for that demonstration. It was the most ear-shattering, mountain-crumbling shriek I had ever heard. It was the kind of high-pitched scream that a pony would let loose if they were cornered and about to be throttled by a blood-thirsty, knife-wielding maniac!

Fortunately, it didn't last for long, because Rainbow Dash almost immediately leapt forward and tackled the otherwise quiet mare, throwing her to the ground and using her cyan coloured hooves to cover her mouth tightly. The two pegasi remained this way for nearly a full minute before the multicoloured pony was convinced that Fluttershy wouldn't scream again and lifted her hoof off the pony's mouth.

"I think I have rabies…" Fluttershy reluctantly confessed.

"Oh you'll be alright," I reassured, "they just stab you with this really big needle and then you're cured!"

Unfortunately, I think my support had the wrong effect on the pegasus, because she squeaked and slumped against Rainbow Dash's shoulder lifelessly.

"Oh great." the more colourful and conscious mare sighed. "Listen Derpy, I don't know what you want, but I don't really have time to help you right now. Why don't you just go ask Twi yourself? She lives in the library down the street. It's a big tree. You'll find it."

After having said this, she pulled her limp friend into the sky and flew off in the direction of the nearest medical facility, the multicoloured pegasus looking as if she were having some difficulty keeping both the heavy sacks of paper and the pink haired pony aloft.

I felt a grin work its way across my face. It was time to venture into the very heart of my doppelganger's malevolence and find the truth behind her bizarre existence.

* * *

><p>Author's Notes:<p>

Hello everyone! I've been a little busy lately, so this chapter took a little longer to get out than I would have liked, but I hope you enjoyed it nevertheless.

I'd like to give a quick shout out to both my editor, Specter Von Baren, and my prereader, themadkossak. You've both been a really big help with this story.

If you have any questions or comments about the story, feel free to email me at . I also keep a close eye on the comments below, so you can reach me there too.

* * *

><p>Disclaimer:<p>

"My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic" and its derivatives are the sole intellectual property of Hasbro©. I do not have, nor claim to have, the rights to the intellectual property that this story is based on.


	3. Chapter 3

**The Mailmare**

_By theamberfox_

**Chapter 3**

I was quite pleased with my progress. I had obtained the necessary information to continue with my search. I knew where my doppelganger resided, or at least where she kept her belongings, and now, as I headed down the street towards the enormous tree, I was confident that I would soon find everything I needed.

But when I arrived at what was apparently supposed to be Twilight's home, I couldn't help but stop and contemplate its very existence. Why hadn't I noticed this place before? It's true that at first glance, it appeared to be mere foliage, but while a lesser pony might be fooled by this simple deception, I was much too clever to be tricked so easily. There were so many obvious windows and balconies. There was even a path leading to a bright red door at its entrance and a big sign with a book on it that advertised to passersby that it was undoubtedly a library. In addition, it's not as if I had never been here before. I recognized all of the houses around it and even the very shape of this odd tree.

Given my superior reasoning and flawless observational skills, the only logical explanation seemed to be that Twilight had cast a magnificent spell to conceal her residence and it was now only visible to a pony passing by if they knew for sure that it was supposed to be there. In every other situation, it would appear as if it were only a simple tree, with no characteristics of a house whatsoever. Yes, that seemed much more reasonable than the ridiculous notion that I was so clueless I had actually mistook this obvious library structure to be just a big tree.

Satisfied with my conclusion I started to approach the front door, but soon stopped. _No, I can't use the front door, or any door for that matter. That's exactly what she wants me to do!_

The Twilight I knew was much too clever, too evil to just let me in the front door. There would certainly be a trap, some kind of horrible trench waiting for me on the other side, filled with rusty nails, venomous snakes, burning fire or those treacherous bagels! But though Twilight was indeed clever, she would never be clever enough to fool this mare into meeting her end in a pit of terrible dough rings.

As an alternative, I decided to enter through one of the large windows, waiting until nopony was looking before I tried forcing it open. To my dismay, it was either securely locked or the kind of window that would never actually open for me. But I wasn't about to give up and I tried another window and another until every view port had been checked and discovered to be firmly locked.

I glared at the tree. _She's mocking me. She wants me to give in and use the front door, but that will never happen. _

She was all too crafty, this Twilight Sparkle, but I wouldn't let myself be stopped by a simple lock.

"I will never fall easy prey to your traps!" I said, aiming a persecuting hoof at Twilight's house. "Nor will I back down from a challenge!"

Soaring a short distance away from the tree, I glanced over the library once more. And after taking a deep breath, I surged forward, crashing full force into the largest window, shattering the glass and colliding into a dense wall of books. The barricade of literature exploded and books flew in every direction, making a complete mess of the library and leaving me with an adrenaline rush and a slight headache from the impact.

At first, I had felt bad about the mess. Even if this was my evil alter ego's house, it still wasn't very nice to break somepony's window and throw their books all over the floor. But then I realized that this was **my** house, so why did it matter what I did to it? After all, Twilight Sparkle may have bought and lived in this strange tree house, but she did so using my money and my body, so it's only fair that I should get to break a window and make a mess of the place every once in a while.

Well that was all very reassuring, but now I faced a different problem. Why did Twilight Sparkle live in a library with all these books anyway?

Fortunately however, my excellent deductive skills had yet again reached a spontaneous and perfectly reasonable conclusion. _Twilight Sparkle is a philosopher._

It explained why she had so many books; philosophers were stern intellectuals. And being a philosopher was also the perfect excuse to do wild and radical things. Philosophers were powerful thinkers. But to be a powerful thinker, one must first live intense experiences thwarting crime, making astounding accomplishments in the field of magic, and attending magnificent parties in their most wild and uncontrollable state.

Similar to my opinion of every philosopher in this country, I now had every reason to believe that my doppelganger was a truly terrible monster. She was trying to do something far worse than ruin my life; my life was meaningless to her. She was trying to take over the world! She was siphoning knowledge and power from the princess herself and soon she would have enough power to overthrow the kingdom!

But amid this frightening conclusion, I felt a wave of reassurance wash over me. Twilight would never actually take over the world. That would simply be ridiculous. Why? Because I wasn't about to let that happen.

From this point forward, I was not attending this party for myself. I was attending this party for the freedom of the entire world! I had to find some way to ruin Twilight's reputation and make the princess disown her as a student. Only then, would she lose her connection to the alicorn and her ability to gain the valuable knowledge that she needed to take over the world. But before I could do any of that, I needed to learn how to act like a philosopher.

I scoured the pile around me for something that would teach me about philosophy. But when I had only just barely begun my search, the worst possible scenario occurred.

My Twilight's dragon slave had stumbled upon me.

"Oh my gosh! Are you okay?" the little scaly fiend asked, feigning his curiosity and concern as he worked his way down the staircase, brandishing his terrible gnashing teeth like knives.

Although, in his current state he didn't look quite as threatening as I had originally anticipated. He was wrapped in a blanket and his face was very queer. Celestia had spoken of the dragon having some stomach illness in her letter, but I wasn't sure what to make of him. Whenever I had a stomach illness, which happened more often then I would like to admit, I spent the day in the facilities. It was like a little private resort, but with a lot more porcelain and a lot less fun. So although I had actually expected the dragon to be here, I had not expected him to stumble upon me, but rather be restrained to the facilities for the entirety of my visit.

"Uhhh…" I hesitated, trying to stall for more time.

My excellent mind was failing me when I needed it most. What if this dragon attacked me? What would I do then? I couldn't just give up when the world needed me!

However, it then occurred to me that this dragon was, in the end, a slave. He was being used by Twilight Sparkle, just as I had been for who knows how long. If I could convince him that I was here to save him, then maybe, just maybe, he would help me.

"**Little one!** **I am here to rescue you from the tyranny of your tyrannical tyrant!**" I announced, slipping several times as I tried to clamber over the precarious stack of books and pose heroically before him.

"What?" he asked.

"**Never fear, for I am not the one to be fearful of! I have come to stop Twilight Sparkle's reign of terror upon all who fear her!**" I raised a hoof in the air majestically, but immediately lost my balance on one of the larger books and fell squarely on my face.

"What… **WHAT'S WRONG WITH ME! Twilight, what did you put in that medicine!**" the dragon screamed, dropping his blanket and hurrying back up the stairs into the bathroom.

It hadn't worked quite the way I had planned, but for now, it would suffice. Nevertheless, I tried to ignore the unsettling noises now coming from the bathroom upstairs and continued my search for a book on philosophy.

The first book I found was called 'The Foal's Guide to Philosophy', but I was no foal, so I kept searching.

The second book was called 'The Art of Philosophy'. This book seemed much more appropriate for a pony of my stature, so I scooped it up and threw it in my bag. I was sure Twilight wouldn't mind if I borrowed just one of herbooks. In any case, she had probably bought them all with what was originally my money.

Now all I had left to do was find a picture of Twilight Sparkle and I could return to my house and prepare. And what better place was there to search than her bedroom? Surely my villainous alter ego would be just as egotistical as she was sharp. I wouldn't be at all surprised if I found a ten foot tall statue of her surrounded by glowing candles and offerings of food and coin. In fact, I expected a brilliant alter of her narcissism.

Although, what I saw was quite strange and very different from what I anticipated. Twilight had a very large, comfortable looking bed in her room, but why would she ever need such a thing? I thought that it must be purely for aesthetic purposes and perhaps the odd minute or two of relaxation in her exhilarating life. She also had a large vanity, covered with several different jars, combs, and tubes of strange pastes. And by her bedside, she had a table not entirely unlike mine. On this table was a picture of her and Princess Celestia along with a book titled 'My Diary'.

Though I was happy I had found what I was looking for, my mood sunk when I saw what Twilight actually looked like. She was a purple unicorn! Every bit of her was undeniably purple and she had a big horn sticking out of the top of her head! How was I supposed to pretend to be a purple unicorn!

Concerned, but not willing to give up, I plopped the photo of the unicorn and her mentor into my bag. This was certainly going to make it more difficult for me, but it wasn't an impossible task. I would just have to find some way to change my colour and grow a horn before five o'clock. Twilight Sparkle did it every single night. Why wouldn't I be able to do it just this once?

_Perhaps,_ I thought, _this "My Diary" book can help me learn how she changes so drastically and perfectly night after night._

I flipped open the book to a random page.

_Dear Dairy,_

_I HATE ASPARAGUS! I HATE IT SO MUCH! It's so green! Why is it so green! Of course, there's that white asparagus too, BUT IT'S NOT FOOLING ANYPONY! It's just as terrible as the rest of those horrible, tiny leafed, green monsters…_

These strange ramblings seemed to continue on for several more pages, so I skipped past and flipped to a different, more recent part of the book, still intent on finding something useful inside the book.

_Dear Dairy,_

_Today was just terrible! Spike caught me dying my hair! Now he knows! No one can ever know that I actually have blonde hair! Haven't you heard those jokes they tell! They say things like, _

"_If both a blonde and a brunette fell off the top of a building, who would hit the ground first? __The brunette, the blonde would have to stop and ask for directions on the way!" _

_You see! I can't be blonde! Blondes are stereotypically regarded as stupid! I'm not stupid!_

_I tried explaining this all to Spike, of course, but he just laughed! Can you believe that! He laughed! It's not funny!_

_But it's okay, there's no need to panic. I found a spell that will wipe his recent memory. He won't even remember catching me dying my hair in the first place. It's odd though, it says that a side effect of the spell is that whomever it is cast upon will start to like eating rocks. What's that all about? I guess that means I'd better pretend that it's actually 'normal' for dragons to like eating rocks._

_Regardless, I'm going to make sure the bathroom door is locked before I start dying my hair. I'm also going to hide all my dyes inside the drawer of my vanity so he never finds them._

I slammed the cover of the book closed. _The nerve of that Twilight Sparkle! How dare she think that blondes are dumb! Did she not know that I, a blonde, was the inventor of the cabbage bran muffin, a scrumptious delight that critics have regarded as "a perilous unknown that leaves all whom explore it, incapacitated in a gutter, pleading for a stomach pump"! _

I sighed. I suppose this did actually help my situation. Now I just needed to take the hair dyes out of her vanity and I could match Twilight's bright purple visage without exerting too much effort on my part.

And with the dyes placed safely in my bag, I believed I had everything I needed to attend the party except a horn and, as the princess requested, something nice to wear. But because I didn't exactly know what philosophers were supposed to wear, I thought it was best not to take something from Twilight's house and instead, simply use something of my own. I wouldn't want to be caught out in the streets hauling an entire wardrobe of dresses out of somepony else's home. Even if it was technically all my stuff, other ponies would think I was very strange.

* * *

><p>When I arrived back at my humble abode, the first thing I did was dump all the contents of my bag onto the floor. Normally, I would have emptied it all onto the tabletop, but that was significantly more difficult to do at the moment since it was still in pieces from my unfortunate blunder earlier in the day. All the same, the following items fell out of my bag: a letter from Princess Celestia, the two tickets to the Annual Magic Users Convention, several differently coloured hair dyes and pastes, a picture of Twilight Sparkle standing next to the princess, and a book entitled "The Art of Philosophy".<p>

Eager to get to work and not wanting to waste any time, I yanked the top off of one of the jars of hair dye and subsequently watched as it slipped out of my grasp and dropped to the floor, spilling the majority of its contents and making a terrible mess of my kitchen.

_Curses! _That precious purple dye was a fundamental part of my plan. If I didn't have the proper disguise, I would have no chance of destroying Twilight's relationship with the princess and saving Equestria from the stranglehold of tyrants.

Glancing once at the picture of Twilight, I realized exactly what I had to do. I threw myself on the floor and began furiously rolling around in the purple puddle. But it wasn't long after I had started rolling around like a pig in the mud that all the dye had been sopped up. And after looking in the mirror nearby and noticing that I had just barely covered half of the dull, grey hair on my body, I was completely overcome with terror.

I couldn't show up to the party with such strange splotches of grey matting my new beautiful violet coat. _I need to improvise!_

I quickly threw open the cupboards and began searching for everything that had even a hint of purple in it, immediately throwing it all into a pile on the floor.

_Purple pen ink? Perfect! Blueberries, grapes, plums? Mostly purple! Flowers? More or less, purple! Soap? Close enough!_

And before I even had time to understand what I was even doing, I had collected an alarmingly massive pile of purple, blue and red objects on the floor. But that still wasn't good enough!

_I can't dye my coat with this mess! It needs to be… combined somehow._

I frantically stomped on these purplish things, desperately trying to mash them into a fine, purple paste. It was somewhat painful to see so many of my belongings being maliciously destroyed like that, but it was all for the greater good. At least it was all for the greater good until another purple object caught my eye.

_Oh…_

It was mocking me, that thing. It was mocking me because it was the second jar of purple hair dye, a jar that was in every way identical to the last except that it had not yet been spilled on the floor and rolled around in by an idiot.

I looked down at my hooves and the purple disaster I was currently standing on. _I'll just have to clean that up a little later…_

I pushed that horrible, gelatinous blob of purple into the corner of the kitchen and opened the second jar of hair dye, making sure not to spill it this time. After that was done, the rest of the process went swimmingly. Even when it came to dyeing my mane and tail to match the photo, with those dazzling stripes down the center, it was a relatively simple task.

The only part that was difficult was recreating that odd cutie mark on her flank. It was the most peculiar and complicated thing! Why in the world would a pony named 'Twilight Sparkle' have a compass rose as her cutie mark? Furthermore, why would she have a compass rose with the wrong number of points on it? Everypony knows that a compass rose has four major points, not six! What was that even supposed to symbolize, confusion? If anything, it only strengthened my opinion that Twilight was truly an otherworldly being with a deficient knowledge of the world she was trying to take over. Sure, she had done a pretty good job of deceiving the world up until now, but that was all because I wasn't involved. Now that I was involved, things were about to change.

Alas, I could not reach far enough to accurately paint the image on my flank. But that didn't stop me from devising a cunning solution to my problem. I painted the image of her cutie mark on the wall and, before I allowed it to dry, I pressed my flank up against it, twice for each side. The result wasn't very clear and was even completely mirrored from the original picture, but I doubted anyone would really notice the difference. At least, they wouldn't notice as much as I would notice that horrible multicoloured stain left on my otherwise white wall.

With that done, it was time to gain some philosophical knowledge from the literature I had borrowed. Of course, I didn't have time to read the entire two hundred-page epic, but I was confident that two or three pages, starting with the cover, would be more than enough.

_The Art of Philosophy, written by Princess Trollestia_

Although I despised philosophers, they were wretched, conniving creatures that were always doing what they called 'disproving my logic', which was essentially embarrassing me in front of my peers, seeing that this book was written by a princess made me slightly less wary of their kind and much more ready to believe the words contained within it. Princesses were always the most honest, knowledgeable, and trustworthy of ponies. Surely a princess would never succumb to the evil that overtook so many of the philosophers I had met, the ones that said such things as, "Derpy, you cannot sell air as your occupation, it is not something that can be bought or sold." and "Derpy, you mustn't lure others into your pyramid scheme, it is immoral."

_Chapter 1 – The Basics of All Philosophers_

_Ah! _This first chapter seemed to conveniently outline what I needed to know in a few simple steps. This was certainly enough to firmly grasp what a philosopher did.

_1. All philosophers must wear a suit and tie at all times and, if appropriate, a large top hat, for that is the way of the philosopher._

That seemed to be perfectly sound advice. Dress snappy and you won't sound crappy. The book also explained that this point was further illustrated later on, but I didn't have time to bother with the question of 'why'.

_2. All philosophers must always ask 'why', for that is the way of the philosopher._

I almost laughed out loud. _What nonsense!_ What use was there in knowing 'why' when one can take action instead?

_3. All philosophers must speak in a strong, incomprehensible accent laced with many complicated and lengthy words, for that is the way of the philosopher._

Unlike the last point, this actually made sense. Philosophers, however cruel and conniving, were intelligent creatures. Luckily for me, I was already well-versed in a strong, incomprehensible accent laced with many complicated and lengthy words. I knew the Queen's English.

_4. All philosophers must be able to justify their actions through interpretive dance, for that is the way of the philosopher._

Yes, this last point was the bee's knees, the cat's pyjamas, the icing on the cake! Many times before, I had seen philosophers leaping and bounding about like they were possessed, but in reality, they were only justifying their actions through interpretive dance, a truly necessary art for a cunning intellectual.

Although there were a few more points, I felt I had learned everything there was to know about philosophers, so I slammed the book closed and turned to the mirror. Presently, I looked like a bizarre, winged, hornless version of Twilight, which simply wouldn't do. The book had told me that I was supposed to wear a suit, tie, and even a top hat, which was actually perfect. As well as providing me with appropriate attire for the occasion, I could hide my wings beneath the suit jacket and my non-existent horn under my hat. And as long as I never took off my top hat, no one would know that I was missing the signature feature of a unicorn.

Being the stylish young pegasus that I was, I didn't even have to leave the house to find these things. I simply moved back to my room and swung open the closet door. Inside was a wide variety of admittedly underused suits from my days as a professional philanthropist. Grabbing a striking, pitch black suit, matching top hat and a red tie that perfectly clashed with the ensemble, I was now completely prepared for the Annual Magic Users Convention.

I smiled at the mirror in front of me. I almost felt bad for Twilight, my evil, conniving alter ego that was trying to take over the world. She wouldn't even know what hit her.

* * *

><p>When I arrived at the castle, however, I found the atmosphere of the event to be rather unsettling. The sun hung low in the orange sky, its glorious light reflecting off the palace windows in a magnificent fashion. A diverse gathering of unicorns were scattered throughout the colourful courtyard, conversing pleasantly with each other, sampling hors d'oeuvres and generally looking to be having a good time. Worst of all, these unicorns were dressed in very formal attire, making even me, in all my supreme grace, look hideously underdressed.<p>

Moving my eyes slowly around the scene, I prepared myself for the daunting task that lay ahead. I had to assimilate myself into this group and gain their acceptance before I could pull the rug out from beneath their hooves and desecrate the evil Twilight Sparkle's position as Celestia's student, thus saving the world from disaster. But while this goal ran through my mind, something unusual popped out of the corner of my vision. Hiding in the crowd, one pony stood tall like a brilliant silver statue, defying everypony else in a way I previously thought unimaginable. She was wearing a magnificent violet hat and cape, with a shining crystal broach, a mixture of soft green and blue. The material on her garments was dotted with an assortment of cyan and yellow stars in all sizes, with both items resting carefully on an otherwise unimpressive, light bluish mare with a striped silver mane and tail.

I realized it was really only her clothing that I thought to be so fascinating and, moreover, only because it reminded me of some kind of great superhero, like the amazing mare in my dreams who had fought the evil 'Salmonella'. But with the image of righteous justice now plastered in my mind, I had no choice but to set my priorities aside, confront this pony and ask her where exactly she had obtained this fantastic hat and cape. Before I was able to do so, however, she gazed in my direction and a dastardly smile crossed her lips.

"Ah ha!" she shouted triumphantly. "The Great and Powerful Trixie knew you would be here, Twilight Sparkle!"

She said my name, or rather my doppelganger's name with such malice. Her tongue seemed to pierce my soul and dig into my very essence.

I changed my mind. I didn't want to talk to her anymore, though I quickly realized a conversation with this individual was perhaps inevitable. Against my will, this strange acquaintance of Twilight's charged towards me.

Drawing ever closer, she cried out once again, "Trixie has a score to settle wi-"

And stopping, frozen directly in front of me, her expression changed completely. For a moment, she said nothing at all, just staring at me like there was something incredibly wrong with my appearance. It was disquieting. I wondered if I had forgotten something. Had I missed some hugely important part of Twilight's facade?

But I had barely enough time to think, let alone reach a proper conclusion as, after a moment or two, she flatly asked, "You're not Twilight Sparkle are you?"

My following actions were mindless, drenched in adrenaline, saturated with the Queen's English. I leapt forward and tackled the unicorn, throwing her to the ground and bracing her tightly there with my hooves. Her hat flew off in the commotion, revealing her dazzling horn and landing in a starry lump to my right.

"**WHO ARE YOU! Her spy? Her ASSASSIN? HUH!**" I glared into her quivering eyes. "**Who told you? How did you know? HUH! Speak to me! TELL ME!**"

She was visibly shaken now and her pupils shrunk to the back of her skull. "I… I saw… I mean… your eyes are…"

It had been unwise to confront this mare in public. The other unicorns were staring at us now. _I should have led her into a dark alley first._

"…weird…" she finished.

"**OH!**" I exclaimed vociferously.

_How in the world could I forget to take those out?_

I stepped away from the mare and chuckled to myself. "My sincerest apologies miss!"

I extended my hoof towards her. After a moment's hesitation, she grabbed onto it and pulled herself out of the dirt.

The crowd, though noticeably unsettled, slowly returned back to their light conversations. Many of the more disturbed guests started to move towards the building and passed the two guards standing at its entrance, flashing their tickets as they entered.

The angered mare beside me, however, simply picked her hat of the ground, dusted herself off, and plopped the magnificent purple thing back on her head. At the same time, I plucked out my contact lenses and slid them nonchalantly into my coat pocket.

"Wait…" the mare asked, dropping all of her resentment and looking at me even more strangely than before, "you don't mean to tell Trixie that you've just been wearing contact lenses?"

I nodded. "Oh yes, quite."

"And that you're eyes are **perfectly** normal… when you're not wearing them."

"Indeed." I confirmed again.

"Why?" she asked quizzically.

"Well, I happen to use the contact lenses to make my eyes look funny, out of place if you will."

"No, no, Trixie wishes to know why you **want** your eyes to look funny." she asked. "Why do you wear those contact lenses if they only make your eyes look deranged?"

My face contorted. What an absolutely bizarre question. Wasn't it obvious?

"To fool the pink one…" I said with a generous amount of condescension.

"What?"

It seemed my superior ingenuity was far too vast for her to comprehend. I suppose that was to be expected. Even the most brilliant minds are baffled by my wisdom.

I tried to think of a way to dumb down my answer even further. But how could I explain? How could I tell her that, after my encounter with the pink daemon, I used the contacts to pretend I was a half-wit? How could I put into plain words that if the pink pony believed I was stupid, she wouldn't bother trying to brainwash me? How could I communicate that the lenses were on sale for a third of the listed price at the Canterlot Department Store? You just can't beat those kinds of savings!

Finally, I knew what I had to do. I had to follow my instruction and the way of the philosopher. I had to justify my actions through interpretive dance!

I flailed my hoofs wildly in the air and spun in place. I could feel my mane and tail flowing majestically in the cool breeze. It was breathtaking. I was truly an extraordinary dancer!

"Look!" I shouted. "Look at what I am doing!"

But my dancing was too much for her. She couldn't handle my elegance and was transfixed, completely motionless with an expression of awe and wonder painted heavily upon her face.

"Do you understand now?" I sung out.

But she seemed confused. "What? **No!**"

Why oh why did I have to be such an excellent dancer! She was too amazed by my dancing prowess that she couldn't focus. She couldn't grasp the true meaning behind my movements!

"**Forget it!**" she interrupted. "The Great and Powerful Trixie doesn't care! She would rather know why you're pretending to be Twilight Sparkle."

Defeated, I stopped my display of shear beauty. Planting all four hooves firmly on the ground, I turned back towards her.

"Ah! You see, I'm trying to ruin her reputation and disown her as Princess Celestia's pupil." I stated matter-of-factly, astutely maintaining my strong accent in the process.

The unicorn's eyes instantly widened and soon began to tear up before me. She even lifted a hoof to her mouth.

"Good heavens!" she said joyously, dabbing the moistness away from her face. "That is the most beautiful thing Trixie has ever heard!"

Obviously, this mare knew something about Twilight's terrible exploits and, upon hearing of my plan to thwart her campaign, was rendered nearly speechless.

She took a moment to collect herself and set her hoof back on the ground. "Who are you?"

"Well…"

I wondered, _should I tell her?_ I supposed it couldn't hurt to let one overly emotional mare know my secret. Perhaps she could even help me with my endeavour.

"My name is quite simply, Hooves." I smiled, deciding it best to reveal only part of my name.

"Well, it is an absolute pleasure to meet you, Miss Hooves." She smiled back and tipped her hat towards me graciously.

"I do say, that is a fantastic hat, miss…" I tapered off, trying to fish out her name.

She looked puzzled, as if I should have known her name by now. But how could anyone expect somepony else to simply know their name without being told it first?

"Trixie." she said.

_Strange, I swear I've heard that name somewhere before._

"It is very nice to meet you, Trixie." I said.

Suddenly, an assertive voice interrupted us, calling out over the gentle ambience of the crowd. "If the remaining guests in the courtyard would please make their way into the main hall, Princess Celestia would like to commence this evening's events!"

"Ah!" I nodded. "Perhaps we should continue our conversation inside then?"

The bluish mare with the fantastic hat bit her lip and her gaze fell to the floor.

"As much as the Great and Powerful Trixie would love to admire the utter annihilation of both Twilight Sparkle's reputation and her occupation, she does not…"

She gently rubbed the back of her neck with a hoof.

"…she does not actually have a ticket." she finished, glancing back towards me and grinning stupidly. "She came so she could throw a banana cream pie in Twilight's face and disgrace her in front of a large audience of her peers **before **the Annual Magic User's Convention started, but it seems that won't really be necessary... or even possible for that matter."

I paused for a moment, watching the mildly embarrassed, but still very stylish unicorn in front of me. _I do have a spare ticket and it certainly would be nice to have such a well-dressed acquaintance so dedicated to my cause at the party._

"Nevertheless, Trixie wishes you all the best." she continued begrudgingly.

_I really do love that hat. _I needed no more convincing.

"Nonsense! You shall attend the party with me!" I announced abruptly, ripping the two tickets out of my pocket and passing one to the mare.

Wordlessly, she slipped the ticket out of my grasp and levitated it in front of her. She seemed doubtful, even astonished of its very existence, her eyes glazing over the simple slip of paper like it were made of solid twenty four-karat gold.

"I…" she hesitated, her face remembering that wide, teary-eyed expression from before. "Trixie doesn't know what to say…"

"Then say nothing at all." I grinned, forcing out my accent in a completely convincing manner. "I would much sooner face this battle with a willing second and a delicious banana cream pie, than face it alone."

Trixie beamed back at me with the most genuinely happy expression I had seen in years. _Yes, she will be a fine co-pilot in this, my journey to the very source of mayhem and wonder, a party that no pony will soon forget._


	4. Chapter 4

**The Mailmare**

_By theamberfox_

**Chapter 4**

"Your ticket please, miss," one of the golden armoured guards muttered from beside the entrance.

He was perhaps as apathetic as they came, his eyes glazed over, his mouth maintaining an indifferent expression as he leaned casually against the stone archway. He was bored and it was obvious, but I suppose I would have been too if I had to stand outside that magnificent party, collecting tickets while everpony else got to enjoy themselves inside.

"But of course!" I replied with a pleasant smile, ignored his lack of interest and presented my ticket to him.

As he nodded in confirmation, I noticed a clear bottle filled with a neat amber liquid poking its neck out of a nondescript brown bag at his feet.

"Is that what I think it is?" I gestured at the bag.

The stallion perked right up and pushed the bag away with a hoof. "What! Uhh… No! I uhhh… I don't know what that is! Sompony must have left it behind!"

I leaned in towards him and whispered softly into his ear. "It's okay; you don't need to hide it from me."

"I don't?" he asked cautiously.

"No." I shook my head slowly. "I know **all** about maple syrup addictions. I just recovered from one myself…"

He acted like he didn't even believe me. "Maple syrup?"

"Powerful, **powerful** stuff, it is." I tried my best to express feelings of absolute sincerity and understanding. "It gets into your head, doesn't it? It makes you do some pretty wild things, doesn't it? And before you know it, you're putting it on everything. Bread, pasta, salads… everything gets covered in that sweet, sweet garnish, not just pancakes or waffles.

"But don't worry. You'll get over it… You just need some help from a friend like me."

"What?" He still didn't seem to want to admit his dependence on the delicious, sweet sap.

"Yep, I'll rid you of your addiction; don't worry! I'll take this nasty thing away and you'll forget all about it."

"No no, that's alright." The stallion shook his head in desperation. "You don't have to do that. It's not even maple syrup."

He really needed help. That sugary delicacy had warped his sense of reality.

"Shhh shhh shh!" I reassured him with a hoof on his shoulder. "It's okay. We'll beat this together. And no one else ever has to know about it."

I reached down, picked up the bottle and stuffed it in my jacket pocket.

_CRUNCH!_

It was at that point that I realized I had put my contact lenses in that very same pocket.

"**AAHHH!**" I cringed and shoved my hoof into my pocket. "**My contacts!**"

Something sharp poked the end of my hoof and I yanked it back out, only to realize it was now littered with shards of broken glass.

"**It's in my hoof! IT'S IN MY HOOF!**" I screamed and flailed my foreleg around like an idiot.

The guard was equally as horrified. "What the buck is going on?"

I soon realized that my actions, while moderately jarring to a normal pony, were probably a thousand times more horrifying to this tripped out, maple syrup junkie, so I stopped flailing around at once. And since the shrapnel seemed to be gone and it didn't look like I was actually injured, I planted my hoof carefully back on the ground and regained my perfect composure.

"Sir, you need to calm down." I said firmly, looking the guard directly in the eyes. "Deep breaths. Deep breaths…**Woosa! Woosa!**"

The guard was still very distressed. "Why are you telling **me** to calm down!"

My efforts were proving futile, so I did what anypony would do in that situation.

I grasped him firmly on the shoulders and screamed at the top of my lungs, "**CALM DOWN! YOU NEED TO CALM DOWN!**"

The soldier's expression was now simply one of shocked confusion, like he wasn't even a part of this world anymore. But at least he was calm.

"You sir, have a nice evening." I smiled, lowered my hooves back to the ground and ushered myself into the palace.

I pitied him, that strange maple syrup junkie, I really did. But I couldn't help him. My mission was too important and I had to go on.

Just through the doors, Trixie, my faithful companion, was waiting in the foyer with a somewhat impatient look on her face. She had, you see, casually gone ahead of me when we had reached the entrance, obviously not expecting to have to wait as long as she did.

"What was that all about?" she asked, raising an eyebrow.

"Oh, one of those guards back there was an addict." I said plainly. "I was just doing my part to keep the streets clean."

Trixie nodded slowly. "Word..."

I ignored her inane ramblings and continued on into the main hall with Trixie following closely along beside me.

"So what exactly is your plan?" Trixie asked almost enthusiastically. "Trixie would really like to know how you are going to step all over Twilight's reputation."

"Well, first things first, my dear." I replied, working to preserve my strong accent over the ambient noise of the building. "We need to gain acceptance from this populace and make them believe I am truly, the one and only-"

"Twilight Sparkle!" A voice cried out from behind a seemingly impenetrable wall of ponies ahead of us.

And not a moment later, a magnificent white princess appeared out of the dense crowd ahead and came strolling toward us in an exceptionally elegant fashion. In addition to her standard attire, the golden shoes, crown and torc that usually adorned her flawless image, Princess Celestia wore an extravagant and utterly breathtaking ball gown. The chest was made of a soft cream-coloured satin, the material clinging against her tightly, while the length of the dress, beginning at her midsection and made of several layers of lighter, transparent yellow fabric, was almost the complete opposite in appearance. Covering her hind legs and most of her multicolored tail, it was long and flowing, washing down around her like a gentle breeze. Complementing her splendour, her mane was smooth and unusually tidy, rolling down around the back of her neck and falling just over her shoulders, the colours continually moving and changing around her as she walked.

She was exactly how I imagined her, the picture of elegance, royalty, and leadership. But I must admit that I was absolutely terrified of her. I was afraid that she might see past my clever disguise and my plan to save the world would crumble under her careful vigilance. But it wouldn't end there, would it? She would see me as a traitor, a conspirator, a blemish on this great country, and lock me up for trying to impersonate her student. I would spend the rest of my days in a cold, damp cell with only a lumpy mattress to sleep on and nothing to eat but bagels… endless walls of bagels in every hideous variety. Of course, I would refuse to eat these monstrosities, preferring death over stale baked rings, but they would never take no for an answer! They would force-feed them to me, one by one, shoving them down my throat! And that very same night, as my insides revolted from being filled to the brim with hundreds upon hundreds of those disgusting rings of dough, I would lie down on that lumpy mattress, thinking that the worst was all over, only to realize that the mattress itself… was made of **bagels!**

_Oh, the HORROR! _My muscles seized up and I braced myself for the worst.

And then, I felt the strangest feeling inside of me… not entirely a foreign feeling, but certainly a feeling that had long since abandoned my life. I felt myself being drawn to my pocket. But not just my pocket, I felt my hoof move to my side and rest itself over the bottle there.

It was the maple syrup. I wanted the maple syrup. I needed the maple syrup.

"I'm so glad you could make it." Celestia smiled pleasantly as she stopped directly in front of me.

Her words were like an arrow, piercing my soul, and I felt my hoof move away from my pocket and fall back on the floor. And then, just like that, it was as if it never even happened and I forgot all about the bottle in my pocket…

_I think she bought it!_ All my worrying was for nothing and I felt a sigh of relief rush out of my lungs. _She really thinks I'm Twilight Sparkle!_ I glanced to Trixie at my side and flashed her a quick smile, intent on sharing my joy. My companion however, wasn't paying attention at all. She was quiet, focused on the princess and the glass of dark red liquid that was levitating in the air beside her.

"And I'm so glad you remembered to wear clothes." Celestia added softly, leaning in towards me. "I know it's been hard living with all those nudists for as long as you have."

_Oh yes, the nudists._ They were certainly a peculiar sort, the residents of Ponyville. I can recall one particular morning when an individual came into town fully-clothed. She was wearing only a brown cloak, of course, but the residents were absolutely horrified! They hid in their houses, sealed their shutters and locked their doors, afraid to even look at the individual. But she was a foreigner and didn't seem to know our customs very well. Now this individual has learned, of course. She visits our town, without her cloak, almost every single week and there is no reaction from the Ponyville ponies whatsoever. I must admit though, why in Equestria would she ever want to hide those fascinating black and white stripes?

I responded with a cheerful laugh. "Oh, absolutely your highness! I must have at least a dozen pressed suits in my closet that haven't seen the light of day in years."

She laughed back. "How does that friend of yours, Rarity, even make a living? I mean, she sells dresses to a nudist colony? Do the townsfolk use them as cleaning rags or do they just like having a full closet in case they have some kind of revelation one day and decide, 'Oh Wow! Maybe I should just put on some clothes and act like a normal pony for once!'"

We both laughed a little louder. Trixie, however, remained transfixed on something else.

But all that aside, I couldn't help but notice that there was something odd about the princess. She was gently swaying from side to side and she had this strange fragrance wafting all around her. It definitely wasn't something I would call a 'pleasant' aroma. Indeed, she smelled like she had eaten a couple dozen pickled eggs for breakfast.

Nevertheless, I was much more comfortable with Celestia now. She had appeared every bit as elegant and royal as I had imagined, but she was so much more relaxed than the stone-faced aristocrat I originally believed her to be. I was really enjoying her company.

"And who's your friend?" Celestia asked, smiling and gesturing at Trixie with her hoof.

My companion, however, was still staring awkwardly at the princess and the glass floating in the air beside her. But when she finally noticed the hoof pointing gingerly in her direction, she snapped herself back to attention.

"Uhh- The Great and Powerful Trixie, at your service." she declared, lifting off her hat, nodding kindly at the alicorn, and then replacing her hat back on her head.

"I see." Celestia replied. "Well Trixie, that is certainly a 'great and powerful' looking hat you have there. You'll have to tell me where you got it some time."

"Why, thank-"

"Sister!" another voice called out, interrupting our pleasant conversation.

In quite nearly the same fashion as her sibling, another princess soon came barrelling out of the crowd towards us. She was wearing a dress not entirely unlike the one Celestia had on. The most obvious difference was that this dress was made of a much darker fabric, a deep violet with an obsidian trim around its slightly frillier edges. Similarly, she also wore a crown and torc, both a perfect black against her midnight blue coat of fur, and a set of four shining silver shoes. And finally, her mane, filled with what seemed to be tiny, flickering stars, gently caressed her picture. Just like the sun princess beside me, she was quite the sight to behold… or at least she certainly would have been if her foul mood hadn't soured her appearance as quickly as it did.

"Sister!" She scowled at Celestia, her voice loud and her eyes filled with contempt. "We can scarcely fathom thy crude behaviour! **What is wrong with thee!**"

"I don't know what you're talking about, Luna," Celestia responded, taking a sip out of the glass of crimson liquid that had been floating in the air beside her all this time.

"**THAT! That drink is what we're speaking of!**"

"This?" Celestia looked momentarily at the glass and then back at her sister.

"**PRECISELY!** **Thou art DRUNK!**" Luna accused. "The festivities have yet to even fully begin and yet thou are almost completely inebriated. And thy breath reeks of a potent and fetid odour! It is really just **horrid**, Celestia. Even here, from this lengthy distance, our nose is filled with its powerful stink."

It was strange to see Luna so angry with her sister. After all, hydration is an important part of life. Did our ancestors, the great pioneers and explorers of the time, not strive to keep a waterskin always at their side when they explored the unkempt wilderness of the forests and mountains? And even the very wilderness itself, did it not need water to survive? So why was Celestia, in all her grace, being criticized for merely keeping true to the world we all live in?

Celestia just batted the air with a hoof. "Oh Luna, you just don't understand. I'm actually performing a very important experiment."

"Really? And what might that be?"

"Well…" Celestia grinned. "I'm testing to see how many bottles of wine it takes before I start speaking incoherently to my subjects."

Celestia smiled hopefully, but her sister's jaw just fell open.

"**What purpose could that possibly serve!**" Luna fumed.

"Science doesn't need a purpose, Luna. Science needs results." Celestia pointed her hoof at her sister reassuringly. "And you can rest assured good sister, I have results. After two whole bottles of wine, not even my own student has seemed to notice anything strange."

Celestia then pointed over to me. Luna followed the end of her hoof until it finally directed her gaze at my innocent expression. But even after Celestia's hoof had been lowered back to the ground, Luna said nothing.

Trixie and I smiled stupidly back at her while Celestia took another sip from her wine and quickly pointed again. All the while, Luna just continued to stare.

"Celestia, that is **not** Twilight Sparkle." Luna said monotonously, shaking her head and pointing at me. "She doesn't resemble her in the slightest! Her eyes are a completely different colour, her coat's all blotchy and it's exceedingly obvious that this mare is hiding feathery appendages beneath that costume of hers. We wager she doesn't even possess a horn on her head!"

"Oh don't be ridiculous, Luna. That is **definitely** Twilight Sparkle." Celestia replied, rolling her eyes.

"Indeed, I am most definitely Twilight Sparkle," said I, seeing an opportunity to strengthen my identity.

Trixie was quick to follow. "Oh yes, she is definitely Twilight Sparkle."

"I think this wine is getting to your head, little lady." Celestia whispered to Luna in a condescending fashion. "Perhaps you need to go lie down."

"**WE HAVEN'T EVEN HAD ANY WINE!**" Luna screamed back.

"Well maybe that's exactly what you need." Celestia said, moving the glass of red liquid close to her sister's mouth.

"**No! **Celestia, we don't want any wine." Luna shoved the wine away, knocking it out of the air and onto the floor, its fragile glass container shattering and the red liquid quickly spreading across the surface below.

Celestia was instantly horrified by the loss of her beverage, staring at the glass on the ground like it was her dead father.

"Oh Luna… What have you done?" Celestia moaned quietly.

"**YOU!**" The moon princess spoke quickly and pointed at me accusingly. "Thou need to cease falsifying thy sister's pupil and depart this place before thou art thrown out!"

"Luna..." Celestia whined. "My wine is all over the floor."

For a brief moment, I was awestruck… appalled… aghast. I couldn't leave! Not now! That would be just like admitting that I was a fake and a failure. Everything I worked so hard for, dyeing my coat, breaking into Twilight's house, vanquishing her dragon slave back to the lavatories, reading that incredibly dull book about philosophers, even smashing my contacts… it would all just go to waste!

"It was like a brother to me, Luna… but now… now my wine is dead! It's dead!" Celestia lamented, tears beginning to form in her eyes.

But then something miraculous and wonderful happened. My faithful companion came to the rescue!

"The Great and Powerful Trixie has heard just about enough of your accusations, Princess Luna." Trixie waved her hoof threateningly. "If you are so sure that this is not Twilight Sparkle, when both Princess Celestia and Trixie are sure it is, then why don't you prove it?"

Luna stood in shock. Trixie, on the other hoof, had a look of triumph on her face.

"Thou can't truly be serious?" the moon princess asked.

"Trixie is always serious." My companion glared back, a twinkle in her eye.

"We used to play tennis together, my wine and I…" Celestia bit her lip, tears streaming down her face. "And eat brunch on Sundays…"

"No, what we mean to say is, that's not even hard to do." Luna smiled incredulously. She was practically pointing and laughing at us both. "Thou might as well be asking us to blink."

Trixie's complacent expression disappeared and she decided it best to avoid full eye-contact with the alicorn.

Celestia finally looked up from the mess on the ground and at her sister, "But Luna, you killed my wine!"

"**Sister, **we will get you more wine in a minute if we must, but right now we intend on proving that this Twilight Sparkle is an imposter so we can remove her from the building.** One thing at a time!**"

Still saddened by her loss, but slightly less so than before, Celestia stopped her whining.

"Well, why don't you ask her a question that only we would know the answer to?" Celestia meekly suggested with a frown on her face.

"That seems terribly cliché," Luna admitted, "but alright…"

_Uh oh…_ I wasn't really sure I could answer a question like that. I didn't know very much about Twilight at all, only that she was evil and had some kind of fervent hatred for asparagus.

"Whoops…" Trixie whispered in my ear.

Luna took only a brief moment before continuing, stroking her chin gently as she tried to think of an appropriate question to ask.

"What does Twilight Sparkle fear more than anything else?" Luna asked smugly.

I stared blankly off into the distance. At first, my mind jumped to the one thing that I feared the most, door-to-door salesponies. But then I realized, _I know this. I know what Twilight Sparkle fears above all else._

"I, the one and only Twilight Sparkle, fear that somepony will find out I'm actually a natural blonde." I replied confidently.

Luna just laughed. "That is just the most ridiculous-"

"That's correct." Celestia nodded.

"**WHAT!**" Luna cried out in disbelief.

"Yeah, she's totally blonde. This one time, I walked in on her when she was dyeing her mane…" Celestia chuckled to herself. "You really should have seen it, Luna. She was so upset about it she actually threw up. Can you believe it? She was so paranoid about other ponies finding out she was a natural blonde that she just **threw up!** **Right there in front of me!**"

Celestia laughed a little harder. "At first, I was just shocked. But after she made me promise that I wouldn't tell anyone I went back to my room and just died laughing! That pony takes herself waaaaaaay too seriously."

"Nice one." Trixie winked, extending her hoof out towards me.

I could hardly believe it… It seemed like something a pony only ever heard about in legends, but it was really happening right in front of me. This was one of the most notable events in the history of my entire life.

This was the day I got to celebrate the all-important hoof slap.

I had practiced the movements countless times before, but this was the first real, genuine hoof slap I was ever confronted with.

I lifted my hoof into the air and prepared for contact. I could feel the very world freeze around me. Only my hoof seemed to move, tremble in the air as it neared closer. It was indescribably beautiful. And then…

I missed completely.

All of my practice and hard work went straight down the drain! I failed catastrophically! My hoof missed the point of contact and I could only watch as it sailed straight towards Trixie's face. And in the same slow sequence, I watched helplessly as Trixie's expression contorted into one of shock and distress as my hoof collided into her eye.

"**You idiot!**" she yelled, rubbing a hoof over her injured eye. "That's the last time I hoof slap you!"

"**No! Give me another chance!**"I begged, falling to my knees. "**LET ME REDEEM MYSELF!**"

"**Cease thy incessant flapping jaw at once!**" Luna interrupted.

I slowly got back up, trying my best not to look stupid.

"Listen well, we don't care about hoof slaps, nor do we care if thou answered the question we asked correctly or not, we're still going to prove thou art no Twilight Sparkle. Now, remove thy garments."

"Woah there, Luna!" Celestia intervened. "We can't just go around ordering ponies to take off there clothes. This isn't some kind of nudist colony!"

Celestia grinned, pointing at me with a hoof and winking.

I mirrored her expression and pointed back at her. _I have no idea what she's talking about…_

Luna looked at her sister with disgust. "But-"

"No buts Luna. If you're really so determined to convince me that this isn't Twilight Sparkle, you're going to have- Oh!"

Celestia's gaze fixed on a unicorn standing across the room. "Hey! Hey Thunderhorn! Hey! Thunderhorn!"

And like a foal discovering a new toy, she just turned and ran off.

"Wait, sister! Where art thou going!" Luna cried out in dismay.

But her older sister just ignored her. "Hey Thunderhorn! Hey, do you like mmm-bananas?"

Luna turned back to me, furrowing her brow in anger. "Stay thy tongue, thou scheming pretender! We know thou art up to no good and we're not going to stand idly by and let thou crash these festivities, pretending to be thy sister's apprentice. We shall cease thy debauchery before long!"

And with that, she was gone too, chasing after her older sibling in a hopeless attempt to scuttle her fun.

"I think that went well." I proclaimed.

"Did you notice how stupid Princess Luna sounded?" Trixie scoffed. "The Great and Powerful Trixie thought she sounded like a complete idiot!"

"Indeed!" I chuckled. "Absolute rubbish, it was! I mean, how difficult is it to talk like a normal pony?"

We both just laughed. _Princess Luna is such a socially awkward pony…_

We spent the next little while mingling with the crowd, exploring the area and generally trying to get a better grasp of what we were dealing with. Upon doing so, it became immediately obvious to me that this convention was far more crowded than I had originally anticipated. The massive room was packed with hundreds of ponies, mostly unicorns, bustling around what looked to be embellished market stalls. Each stall had a large, colourful sign hanging above a long table that was filled with all sorts of wondrous items. And behind these tables, ponies yelled and screamed at the top their lungs, vying for the attention of the massive congregation all around them. It was a place a pony, such as myself, could only ever dream of. The things I saw and heard, even smelt… they were in every way incredible and amazing, unbelievable even…

It was… truly magical.

"**I'm going to tell you about the miracle of PoniClean!**" one stallion with a jet-black mane and scruffy beard had yelled out.

And he did show us a miracle, for his magic potion had cleared that spot on his rug in practically no time at all, twice as fast as the competing stain remover!

And underneath a stall brightly labelled 'The Clop Chop', a younger looking pony with a short, curly blonde mane and a blue apron had showed us another marvel. For when his device cut those terrible onions, not a soul in the room did weep. Not only that, but he didn't even have to remove the skin! It was truly an awe-inspiring event.

But while these ponies captured my attention, and my heart, they could not sway my companion. Trixie even refused to allow me to buy any of these wonderful things, trying to convince me that they were all just 'junk'.

"The Clop Chop! Junk!" I had said with astonishment. "Why, the very notion is absurd!"

But she had persisted and soon enough, a booming voice resonated across the room and I forgot all about PoniClean and the Clop Chop.

"**Testing! Testing! One! Two!**"

It seemed that Celestia, levitating another glass of wine beside her, had somehow found her way onto the stage at the end of the room and was preparing to properly address the attendees of the Annual Magic Users Convention, who, upon hearing her voice, quieted down considerably and focused their attention on the stage.

_The princess certainly is drinking a lot of that bizarre, rotten liquid. _I thought, staring at the white alicorn as she wobbled around on stage._ Perhaps she just doesn't want to be wasteful…_

Admittedly, I did the same every so often, drinking foul milk or eating spotted bread, even when I knew the consequences would be dire. But it wasn't that I was cheap, but rather because I enjoyed the sense of accomplishment I felt when I finished something. Whether it was a magnificent painting or simply a loaf of bread, the feeling was always the same. So like a vicious dictator of food, I conquered muffin after muffin, bread roll after bread roll, and no amount of mould, spot of green, or terrible, rancid smell would ever stop me! _HAHAHAHA! YOU CANNOT ESCAPE THE WRATH OF DERPY HOOVES YOU INSIGNIFICANT PEON!_

"**Three! Four! Five!**"

"Sister…" A quieter voice intervened.

"**Six! Seven! Eight!**" The princess rambled on.

"Sister, stop it."

"**Nine! Ten! What's that Luna!**"

"Thou have no need to test it any longer, it works."

"**Luna, I can't hear you! I'm testing the microphone!**"

"We know thou art-"

"**Look** **Luna, I don't have time for this. I need to start my speech now!"**

Celestia looked out over the crowd. And then, in one quick motion, she downed an entire glass of wine.

"**Does this microphone make me look fat!**"

Trixie made no hesitation in yelling back. "**Yes!**"

Some of the ponies around us looked at her with offended expressions, but she just smiled back at them.

Celestia began to fiddle with some knobs on the microphone stand in front of her. There was a horrible piercing, screeching noise and the crowd cringed as if thousands of angry hornets had just flown in through the windows and were now buzzing violently around the ceiling.

"How about now?" the princess asked in a much lower volume, ignoring the crowd's distress.

This time, there was no answer.

"Okay!" Celestia announced. "Let's begin with a brief outline of this thingy we're all at. What's it called now? The Anal Magic Convention? **Good heavens!** You ponies sure have some weird interests."

The crowd looked around at each other with disturbed expressions and made muffled comments. Celestia ignored them again as she pulled a collection of papers from out under her dress and began to shuffle them madly in the air. However, she only seemed to be making the papers more disorganized.

"Yeah! Okay! Whatever!" Celestia barked, glancing down at her notes once before fixing her gaze back over the crowd. "Most likely, you spent the first bit of the evening wasting your money on the crap these ponies are trying to pass off as magical devices or potions or whatever. Yeah, don't believe any of that garbage. They pay us a royalty to say that. It's all mostly just junk. Believe me, I tried PoniClean… It turned my carpet white!

"Now either I've spent the last century believing my carpet was actually supposed to be pink, or that stuff's really just bleach. Now don't get me wrong, maybe my carpet actually is white. But let me ask you this? What the hell happened to my carpet to make it turn pink?"

Celestia looked over the crowd and raised her hoof questioningly. Nopony seemed to know how to respond to that.

"Yeah, I don't know either." She shrugged. "I blame the teenagers. You know the ones that hang out by the convenience stores? I tell you, it's always those rotten teenagers… They're always running around, buying candy and acting all nice and polite to you, but they've always got something hidden up their sleeve."

Celestia wagged her hoof out over the crowd, who all still had the same clueless expressions on their faces. "Believe me, **I know!**"

She looked back down at the paper floating in front of her. She shifted them all slightly, pulled one of the sheets out, crumpled it into a ball, and tossed it loosely behind her.

"Okay! So the first thing we're going to do is move into the dining hall to get some grub and some more wine! You can never have enough wine. And just in case you haven't already had some wine, have some wine now before you regret not having any wine in the first place.

"Now about the food, I've been told that after what happened last year, we're having a set menu this time with a choice between about half a dozen different items or something like that. And no going and substituting anything or I'll personally take a dump on your plate and call it the daily special!"

Celestia looked out over the crowed inquisitively, as if to reinforce her point even more. "I'm not kidding, I'll actually do that!"

"Hahaha, thou are very truly funny, sister. Hahaha…" Luna had a kind of desperate frustration clinging to her tone of voice as she leapt into view and started pushing her sister off-stage. "We'll take over from here. Hahaha… Off thou go…"

"Oh no no no no... I can do this, Luna. You just sit your-"

"**Celestia!**" Luna glared at her sister.

"Woah! Okay! Calm down little Luna! I'll let you do the speech if you really want to, you adorable little filly you." Celestia ruffled up her sister's mane (as much as one can ruffle up an ethereal mane anyhow) and, consequently, knocked her obsidian tiara onto the ground.

"**Sister!**"

"Hahaha! Okay, you can go right ahead now, Luna. I won't interrupt you. Do your thing. Stun the crowd with your amazing linguistic feats. I'll just be over here getting another glass of wine."

Celestia just tossed all of her papers into the air behind her and stumbled off the stage, nearly tripping on the way down the stairs.

Luna quickly used her magic to gather up the papers and form them into a neat pile in front of her before yelling back at her sister, "Celestia! **No!** No more wine!"

Since Celestia seemed perfectly ignorant of her orders, the moon princess placed her tiara back on her head and then signalled to a pair of guards standing to one side of the stage. The two soldiers, taking the hint, immediately took off after Celestia.

"Hooves." Trixie looked at me. "We need to stop those guards."

"Smashing idea, my faithful companion!" I responded boldly. "We can't let them assassinate the princess!"

"Wait, what!" Trixie had a very bizarre expression on her face. "No, we have to stop them from stopping Celestia from getting a drink! If Celestia's drunk, we'll have a much better chance of convincing her that you're actually Twilight. If she sobers up, she may not believe you anymore!"

"Right! We can't let them assassinate the princess' hydration!" I pounded my hoof into the air courageously. "**Tally-ho!**"

Trixie's muddled expression didn't change in the slightest, but we both started pushing our way through the crowd anyway, trying to make a path to Celestia and the two guards.

"Our apologies, loyal subjects." Luna smiled at the confused crowd. "We didn't know that our dear Princess Celestia fancied wine as much as she does. Do not fret though, she will be back to her normal self before the evening's up."

I pushed my way past a pale green stallion and a dark blue mare with a messy mane and tail. Both ponies gave me dirty looks as I went by. The guards were walking slowly, but they were still gaining ground faster than we were.

I pushed harder.

"Ahem!" Luna cleared her throat elegantly. "Now, following the delectable banquet we have prepared for you all, we will have a number of presenters. Each of them is prepared to showcase their unique talents and discoveries in a way that is most impressive and entertaining. It's all going to start with an intriguing explanation of Professor Cornelius Hoofington's 'Theory of Magical Constraints in Relation to the Relative Horn Density and Mass of Unicorns!"

The crowd released a series of 'oo's and 'aa's, which was followed by polite, yet enthusiastic stomping of their hooves against the floor.

Even through the moving crowd, I could see Celestia. She was almost at the table now. The guards were getting closer.

I looked at Trixie. She wasn't even trying to be gentle now, forcefully knocking the ponies around her to the ground, ignoring the crude insults that followed.

"Yes," Luna acknowledged happily, "we too are quite excited about hearing that one."

They were almost upon the princess now and we were still so very far away. I pushed more ponies out of my way and got even more dirty looks. Celestia was at the wine bar!

"Finally, we've gathered the Royal Equestrian Symphony Orchestra and they're going to play several fantastic pieces of music for our grand ball at the conclusion of the evening. We hear they are accepting requests this year." Luna squealed excitedly. "So if any pony desires to hear 'Piano Sonata Number Thirty-Four in C Minor', tonight is thy most opportune moment!"

Celestia popped the cork out of the bottle of wine closest to her. She lifted the bottle in the air.

"Celestia?" One of the guards rested his hoof on the princess' side.

Back on stage, Luna continued. "We are most excited about the evening and we sincerely hope you all are as well!"

"Your sister has told me that I can't let you have any more wine," the guard said politely, but forcefully.

Trixie and I had almost broken through the dense crowd. We had a perfect, clear view of Celestia now.

Celestia turned to face the guard. "Oh…"

"Now, let us all relocate ourselves to the dining hall!" Luna announced.

The crowd started moving and talking loudly. On stage, an evil grin formed on the moon princess' face. She knew what we were trying to do.

Then, just as we reached the end of the crowd, a sea of ponies rushed in front of us both, pushing us out of the way as we had done to them!

"Pardon me," one said.

"Oh, I'm sorry," said another.

I tripped and fell to the ground. My hat teetered on my head…

The hole from which I could see Celestia had vanished and Trixie disappeared onwards, past the sea of ponies.

"Sorry." Another pony bumped into me from behind and I could feel my top hat begin to fall from my head!

I was doomed! Everypony would see my head and the horn I lacked. They would know I wasn't Twilight Sparkle and kick me out! I would be banished to that cold, dark cell, lost forever in a world of torment… and bagels!

Princess Luna glanced in my direction. Her eyes pierced through the crowd, that cruel smile stuck on her lips. But it wasn't just her… They were all looking at me!

But instead of moving to stop the black top hat from falling, I felt myself inexplicably pulled towards that damned bottle in my pocket! I knew that I had to keep my hat from falling, but I couldn't stop myself! I couldn't stop my hat from falling and I couldn't stop that terrible addiction I thought I had banished so many years ago!

My hoof rested on the cold glass in my pocket. The world around me turned black.

But Luna's grin grew stronger, still visible through the darkness. And her eyes, they were like beacons of light, shining through the night.

And then, without any warning at all, I felt my hat stuffed back onto my head! And the darkness, Luna's piercing eyes and horrible grin, the pull of my hoof towards the bottle, it all just vanished!

Surprised, I looked up to see Trixie grinning back at me.

"Don't be so clumsy!" she scoffed.

The other ponies that had been looking at me turned away. And on stage, Luna's expression changed to one of disappointment and anger and not a second later, she teleported away. Soon, the entire crowd vanished too and we were left, staring at an empty corridor. Celestia was nowhere to be seen and the wine bar, and the wine, was being carried away by two armoured guards. The bottle the princess had been opening was taken away with them, its cork firmly replaced.

_We failed… _I frowned and let out a heavy sigh. Granted, I still don't know what we were doing, but we still failed at it…

"I'm sorry Trixie…" I said, averting her eyes. "I wasn't strong enough."

"Oh, get up!" Trixie rolled her eyes. "We can always find another way to keep Celestia drunk!"

I slowly pulled myself back up and looked towards the dining hall. Princess Luna was walking slowly towards us.

"Oh, hello there, imposter!" She smiled as she stopped in front of us. "Thou may have kept thy hat on thy head, but now Celestia is going to be as dry as a bone."

"Ha!" Trixie grinned back at her imposingly. "Celestia was awfully drunk, princess. The Great and Powerful Trixie does not think she will even have time to sober up before the end of the night!"

"Well then thou are surely a fool." Luna returned the expression coyly. "Did thou not know about the speed of an alicorn's immune system? We can recover from a common cold in an hour and from an overuse of alcoholic beverages in a mere fifteen minutes. Celestia shall be sober before dinner is even served!"

"**WHAT!**" Trixie shouted, unsettled by the princess' barrage of random facts.

I glared menacingly at the princess. _How does her mane even work? How can she sleep at night if it's constantly moving around like that? I think it's making me seasick._

"And don't think our sober sister will actually be fooled by such a pathetic disguise."

Luna laughed heartily and turned around. But as soon as she started to walk away, she stopped and craned her head back towards us.

Trixie was sweating beside me. I would have been too, but I couldn't seem to remember how to sweat.

"Oh! And Celestia expects you to sit beside her the **whole night**, **Fake**light Sparkle!"

She closed her eyes and laughed again with her head held proudly in the air.

"Wow…" Trixie's panic disappeared and she stared at the princess with a very plain expression. "That was just about the **worst** insult Trixie has ever heard. One would think that after spending a thousand year alone on the moon, one could do a **little** better than that."

"Yes, that was most unimpressive indeed, your highness." I added.

Luna's eyes snapped open and she scrunched up her face. She looked like she was about to say something, but couldn't think of anything and so she just ran off.

"Pfft!" Trixie rolled her eyes. "She is soooo weird."

* * *

><p>Author's Notes:<p>

Hello everyone! Naturally, I've been pretty busy with life in general (hence the tardiness of this chapter), but I seem to always find enough time to work on this bizarre story of mine. I really hope you all enjoyed this chapter. It's definitely longer than usual, but I figure that somehow makes up for how long this took to write.

In that respect, I seem to always find a way to underestimate how long my stories are going to be. With 'Shadows of the Sun', I planned on writing a 100 page story divided into 10 chapters. It ended up being more than 300 pages and 14 chapters. (And now, I'm even planning on writing a sequel to carry on that story.) And now with this, I planned on making it 40 pages long divided across 4 chapters. We all know how well that worked out.

I guess I just always manage to find enough inspiration to make my stories longer, which isn't necessarily a bad thing. It does mean, however, that I'm going to stop estimating how long my stories are going to be. What that means to you, is that 'The Mailmare' is probably going to be longer than I expected. Regardless, I really hope you're enjoying the story and, if anything at all, the extension to the story is something you're looking forward to.

Thank you and everyone else who's jumped onboard this crazy story of mine. I really hope you'll stick around to see the conclusion.

And as always, my special thanks goes out to both my editor, Specter Von Baren, and my prereader, themadkossak. Your time and patience are much appreciated and you both really help keep this story rolling on the right track.

If you have any questions or comments about the story, feel free to email me at . I also keep a close eye on the comments below, so you can reach me there too.

* * *

><p>Disclaimer:<p>

"My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic" and its derivatives are the sole intellectual property of Hasbro©. I do not have, nor claim to have, the rights to the intellectual property that this story is based on.


	5. Chapter 5

**The Mailmare**

_By theamberfox_

**Chapter 5**

As we made our way into the dining hall of the great palace, a room filled with so many tables and chairs it would make your head spin and possibly even fall off your neck, I began to reflect on my predicament. Yes, I had managed to convince Princess Celestia that I was indeed Twilight Sparkle, her one and only star pupil, but for how long? Trixie seemed to believe that we didn't have much time left and the only way we could preserve my facade was to keep the princess saturated with expired juice, or as they had dubbed it, 'wine'. And though I did not truly understand her reasoning, I decided to trust in my friend's presumably greater judgement and follow her lead. But keeping the princess full of wine was a goal and like every goal, there were so many things in our way, preventing us from advancing along the path of glory.

The worst of our problems were created by Princess Luna, Celestia's well-dressed sister and the famous 'guardian of the moon'. She had seen right through my disguise and for some hidden reasons I could not possibly hope to understand, she was almost immediately disgusted with me. Not only that, but she had made it her objective to reveal my true identity to the world and throw me out of the party, ignorantly condemning our world to the reign of Twilight Sparkle, a terrible tyrant, a conniving thief and a loathsome philosopher.

So when it had come time for our fair Celestia to get another drink of wine, it was only natural that Luna had ordered the guards to take it all away and thwart our genius. And though both my companion and I had tried to stop her and save the wine, our efforts had been hopelessly futile.

So with the wine gone and the events of the night quickly rolling into motion, Trixie and I approached the table ahead of us with our thoughts swimming with worries over how we would keep enough drink in Celestia's belly to last the night. Indeed, we were both so preoccupied with our concerns that we hardly even noticed the event that was unfolding right there in front of us.

"**Where did thou get that!**" Luna demanded.

Celestia was sitting at the head of a very long table, right beside where I believed her sister was supposed to be sitting. But her sister was not sitting, she was standing, glaring at a glass of crimson liquid on the table.

Celestia pointed at her sister, waving her hoof mere inches from the moon princess' nose. "Well, you know what they say Luna, 'One for the road, two for the...'"

The white alicorn stopped abruptly.

"For the..." she repeated.

"Celestia, thou art so drunk thou can't even finish thy sentences! We **demand** thou stop drinking that insidious wine!"

"No, no! I remember!" Celestia bopped Luna gently on the nose with her hoof. "Two for the princess!"

Luna was momentarily stunned. "One for the road... Two for the princess..."

Celestia nodded enthusiastically.

"How does that even make any sense?" Luna asked. "It doesn't even rhyme."

"Oh, well you see, you get one for the road, like if you were gonna go somewhere," Celestia explained as she waved her hooves wildly in the air, "and then you gotta give two to the princess, but I **am** the princess, so I get all three."

"What? No, we meant-"

"Oh, hellllooooo there Twilight!" Celestia slurred. "You and your friend with the funny, pointy hat-thingy can sit right here, right beside your friendly neighbourhood princess."

She pointed to a spot at the table where two ponies, most likely a husband and his wife, were sitting. However, upon setting sight on these two individuals her immediate reaction was to grow wide-eyed and delirious.

"**Woah!**" She gasped in shock. "When did you get here?"

The husband, a bright green stallion with a sharp yellow mane and tail looked to his wife and blinked several times. The mare, a pale pink pony with a long white mane and tail returned the expression.

I thought their confusion was perfectly understandable. That stallion was almost certainly the most ridiculous and outright repulsive combination of colours in all of Equestria. Piercinggreen and yellow? That's just plain terrible! His wife ought to be ashamed!

The stallion turned back to the princess and humbly replied, "Um, your highness, we've been here for the last ten minutes."

Celestia hastily responded, "But what are you doing in **Twilight's** seat? That's Twilight's seat. Can't you see that's Twilight's seat?"

"Sister," Luna intervened, "if thou do recall, thou **insisted** that Mr. and Mrs. Peapod sit there."

"**Pffft!**" Celestia giggled childishly, clumsily covering her mouth with a hoof. "You two have **PEE** in your name? Why would you do that? Why would you **pee** in your name!"

"And then thou made that exact same joke..." Luna grumbled, sounding very displeased with her sister.

Mr. and Mrs. Peapod frowned and shifted in their seats.

Not at all swayed by the couple's discomfort or her sister's disapproval, Celestia only began laughing more loudly.

Luna smiled weakly at the two ponies. "It may be best if you both sat elsewhere..."

The two looked at each other, then back at Luna, and then nodded and got up to leave.

"Yeah, get out of here before you **pee** in my dinner too!" Celestia shouted.

Celestia continued to laugh, but her initially delightful reaction soon triggered a set of terrible consequences. For, right in front of my very eyes, the princess experienced what I could only imagine was a tragic and unbearable pain. She clutched her stomach tightly with one of her fore hooves and fiercely pounded the table with the other, desperately trying to distract herself from the unknown illness inside her body. Yet at the same time, she was still laughing. It was a very disconcerting sight indeed.

Mr. and Mrs. Peapod seemed incapable of witnessing such a horror and they took this dramatic event as their cue to leave.

"**Sister!**" Luna cried out. "See what thou have done! Thou has finally scared off everypony except **these** two."

The dark alicorn loosely gestured at Trixie and me, obviously not very satisfied to be in our company.

Luna plopped herself down in her seat. "Why must thou be so rude!"

_Rude! _I was appalled. Celestia's stomach was going to burst wide open and Princess Luna was worried about her etiquette!_ How absurd!_

My thoughts immediately jumped to her rotten beverage. There was no doubt in my mind. It was the fault of that rancid drink that the princess was in such pain! But why then, were Trixie and I trying to feed her more of it! Was it possible that, even now, Twilight was controlling my subconscious state and forcing me to do her bidding? Was I really just a puppet in her gruesome game? Had I been fooled all along!

And what about Trixie! My companion! My friend! Was she just another of Twilight's diabolical minions!

_Curses! I WILL destroy you Twilight Sparkle! You won't control me!_

As I panicked, Celestia's pain intensified and she was soon rendered completely inoperable. She madly gasped for air and at one point, after taking in a huge breath, she drooped forward and her head crashed down against the table with a tremendous loud smack. Nevertheless, she still laughed and pounded the table with her hoof, leaving big dents and gashes in the surface of the wood.

_This laughing... Twilight is MOCKING ME!_

I glared at Luna with a look of shear terror on my face and pointed towards her collapsed sibling. "**MY WORD! DON'T YOU GET IT! DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND! THE PRINCESS IS DYING! WHY AREN'T YOU DOING ANYTHING!**"

But just as soon as I had finished speaking, Trixie was hit by the same horrible plague. She too had started laughing and holding her stomach. And soon enough, she had completely lost her ability to stand upright and tumbled to the floor.

"**OH DEAR SWEET CELESTIA! IT'S CONTAGIOUS!" **I shrieked in revulsion.

Meanwhile, Celestia's injuries only grew worse. Like Trixie, she had lost her ability to balance and fell out of her chair and onto the floor, laughing with such an intensity that it could peel the paint off the walls.

"Thou art a **complete** idiot." Luna stated, pressing her hoof up against her face.

"**BUT AT LEAST I'M NOT BLIND!**" I shouted back in anger.

"**Is thou truly serious!**" Luna retorted. "They. Are. Just. Laughing! **Laughing, foal!**"

I looked back at the two ponies incapacitated on the floor, gasping for air.

"**Laughing!**" I repeated.

I looked at the horrified crowd of ponies, all just staring at us, completely mortified.

"**LAUGHING!**" I repeated the word with more volume and vigour and I smashed the table with my hoof.

Luna stared at me coldly.

"Well alright then." I replied with a nod and sat down in the seat closest to me, the one previously occupied by Mr. Peapod. "I suppose we'll have to wait until they're done then."

Luna's face contorted and her mouth hung open in disbelief. It was the kind of face that a pony could only dream of describing properly. It was simply one of shock and awe and it looked really quite disturbing.

But what I found most unsettling was not Luna's expression, but that all the ponies around us, the ones who had been staring at us, had almost the very same expressions on their faces.

_These ponies need to learn how to relax. They should be happy Trixie and I aren't being controlled by a diabolical tyrant!_

I decided to try and start a conversation with the moon princess, maybe pass the time and lighten the mood a little. "Have you read any good books lately, your majesty?"

"No." was her immediate reply.

"I myself read a very interesting book on philosophy. Of course, I had to skim through it a bit to-"

"Shut up." she interrupted.

_Why do ponies always interrupt me? I really do hate being interrupted._

Since Princess Luna did not seem to be in a very talkative mood, the next few minutes were spent listening to Celestia and Trixie laugh while I casually brushed off my suit and continued to be the victim of that impossible expression on Luna's face. I'm sure that she too had determined it would be too difficult to hear each other over the racket the two ponies were making on the floor, but I still found it very rude that she was content to just staring at me like that. I tried to ignore her gaze and instead focused on the incredible damage Celestia had done to the table. With as many gashes and dents as it had now, it was practically a war zone. It reminded me of the postmaster general's table. But I'm pretty sure he was never laughing when we met.

I smiled pleasantly._ The postmaster had been doubtful of my abilities at the start of the day. But when he learns of all that I've accomplished, I'll be in for a big, juicy promotion._

Trixie and Celestia finally calmed down enough to climb into their respective seats, their eyes wet with tears and their hooves slightly bruised from their incessant pounding on the floor. Celestia took a brief sip of her wine, which had miraculously been left untouched by the whole event, and Trixie straightened out her hat and her long silvery mane. Both ponies giggled periodically.

"Ha... ha... Ohhhh..." Celestia wheezed. "Alright then. I've really got the munchies now! Who's up for some food?"

Luna's bizarre expression had finally turned back to normal, but she still seemed a little stunned. Trixie appeared to be on the same boat and she just sat there beside me with a huge smile on her face.

"Capital idea, your highness!" I boldly exclaimed.

"Hmph! Capital idea..." Luna mocked quietly and looked away.

Celestia began waving her hoof in the air childishly, attempting to signal one of the waiters over to our table.

With both the princesses distracted, my companion took the opportunity to speak her mind and whispered in my ear, "You know, Trixie is really starting to admire the princess when she's drunk. She's certainly more entertaining than Trixie was expecting."

"Yes, I too have grown quite fond of the princess." I whispered back. "She has admirable leadership qualities. Though I am beginning to question her sanity. I fear that Twilight Sparkle has already contorted her mind beyond repair."

"Yeah sure, whatever..." Trixie raised an eyebrow.

My superior wisdom and intellect seemed to have soared above Trixie's head. It was truly a pity she did not share the same deep understanding of our situation.

"Look, let's just make sure she stays this way." She said with true sincerity. "From what Trixie's gathered, Celestia will have enough wine to last until after the meal. But then we're going to have to find something else to keep her satisfied."

I simply nodded in understanding. _I really like that hat._

I had to admit, Trixie was a keen strategist. She seemed to have a much better grasp on the 'here and now' of our situation than even I did. Combined with my powerful foresight and profound perception of our ultimate goal, we made an excellent team.

I turned my attention back to Celestia, still waving her hoof. It seemed that she had at last garnered the interest of a particularly stout waiter in a dark blue blazer, who came rushing over to the table as fast as his little legs could carry him.

"Are you all ready to order, your highness?" the waiter eagerly asked.

His voice had a predominantly irritating quality, like he was overly happy just to be alive and standing there in front of us. He was much too peppy for my taste. He was practically oozing pep. It was as if he had stolen the pep from every other pony in this room and shoved it down his throat, like some kind of monster that fed off of pep and pep alone.

I casually shoved my pep beneath my seat. _He's not getting any of my pep!_

Celestia lowered her hoof and grinned. "Yeah, I'll have the potato salad."

The waiter gave her a blank look. "Actually, your highness, there is no potato salad on the menu this year, but I am sure the chefs would be more than happy to-"

"Oh no." Celestia waved her hoof objectionably. "I said no substitutions and I mean it! I don't want to have to lay a big, fat steamer in my own meal!"

The waiter, who seemed to be stricken with instantaneous paralysis at this statement, looked to be having a wonderful time imagining that scenario. His face turned the most luscious green, a colour I've only ever seen on a pony's face once before, when Creme De La Creme, a prestigious food critic was tasting my cabbage bran muffins for the first time. It was a real shame, because after she tasted my exotic delicacies, she refused to give me her review. She just whined and complained about having to go to the hospital. Honestly, I thought she was simply being lazy and that interesting green expression was just a well-played act. Ponies of considerable importance and reputation, such as herself, develop the most obscure ways of avoiding any and all work.

But since I'm such a compassionate and understanding pony, I played along with her game and went to visit Creme De La Creme in the hospital the very next day. I even brought with me a basket of freshly baked cabbage bran muffins, hoping she would reconsider giving me her review.

Long story short, I'm not allowed to visit ponies in the hospital anymore.

"Ok, so I'll have the egg salad." Celestia smiled.

The waiter coughed once, letting the colour return to his face before he spoke. "Um, your highness, there is no egg salad either."

Celestia slammed her hooves against the already battered table. "**Well what in Celestia's name do you make in that kitchen, lad!**"

I tapped Trixie gently on the side and whispered in her ear. "She's not allowed to do that. She can't use that expression!"

Trixie just shrugged. "Why not?"

I was much too distraught to answer my companion's question. Celestia had used the forbidden expression!

"Pardon us sir," Luna said, "but perhaps you could just read us our options? Celestia seems to have eaten our menus."

"**Eaten them**, your highness?" the waiter asked, raising an eyebrow in confusion.

"Yes." Luna clarified with a look of frank frustration. "She was upset there were no appetizers, so she ate all the menus."

"And they were **terrible**!" Celestia shouted. "They tasted like cardboard. Your head chef should be ashamed!"

"Uh... right. I'll... I'll tell him that." The waiter stared back at the two alicorns in disbelief. "Well, tonight we have five options available on our set menu. The first is a wonderful pumpkin and squash soup and that comes with a small dinner roll in either sourdough or rye."

"And that's food?" Celestia asked.

The waiter didn't seem to know whether or not he should be offended. "Yes."

"OK. I'll have that."

"Of course, your highness." the waiter replied. "Would you prefer sourdough or rye?"

"What?"

"Would you prefer a sourdough or rye dinner roll?"

"What in Celestia's name is a 'dinner roll'?"

I jabbed Trixie in the side. "Did you hear that! She did it again! It's like she doesn't even care!"

"So?" Trixie said, sounding slightly annoyed. "Trixie thinks you're overreacting."

_Overreacting! _Why the very notion that a pony wouldn't care about the forbidden expression was abhorrent. If anything, I should have been reacting more strongly to Celestia's nonchalant utterance of the forbidden expression!

"Uhhh... It's just a small piece of bread, like a bun." the waiter answered.

"And it's food, right?"

"Yes."

Celestia looked around in bewilderment. "Why in Celestia's name do they call it a dinner roll?"

"**Ahhhh!**" I yelled, squirming around in my seat and clutching my chest.

My heart was pumping so fast it felt like it was going to explode.

And then I remembered about the maple syrup, that bottle of beautiful amber liquid I had taken from the guard at the door. I remembered about my addiction, that horrible feeling of always wanting more. Some part of me knew that I shouldn't resort to drinking that sweet nectar. Some part of me knew that I couldn't return to that life of misery and regret, but that very same part knew that I had to do something to counteract the effects of the forbidden expression.

My hoof reached for the bottle...

"Are you going to be okay?" Trixie asked.

I gasped. "The world is... fading..."

It was like the whole room was filling with a dense fog. The forbidden expression had been uttered too many times! I was losing my grip on reality!

My hoof fell on the smooth, glass surface. I gently caressed the long, slender neck of the bottle and started to pull the container out of my pocket. _I can't believe it... After all these years..._

The waiter glanced at me for a moment before looking back at Celestia and finally responding. "I'm afraid I don't know the answer to that, your highness."

"And you call yourself a waiter? By Celestia, what have you been doing with your life?"

"**Auugghhh!**" I screamed in pain.

I rolled around in my chair and moaned. That had done it! My heart had finally burst and now the little pieces were just swimming around in my body, like little tiny fish. Except they weren't fish, they were pieces of heart!

"I'm... sorry..?" The waiter, no longer visible through the fog, seemed to be speaking in my direction. "Is she going to be alright?"

The fog had completely closed in around me. I was going numb. I couldn't even see Trixie's face!

Well... that's a lie. I could see Trixie's face, but it looked more like a shrub than a face. It was like one of those garden sculptures that ponies cut into shapes with chainsaws. It was all leafy and green and covered with little specks of red from the mistakes the sculptor had made.

And then the worst possible thing happened... I realized that all my efforts to reach for the bottle of delicious syrup in my pocket had been in vain... I remembered that ponies cannot grab things with their hooves. We lack the necessary flexibility and dexterity to do that.

I pulled my hoof back out of my pocket, leaving the bottle of syrup still inside. _Well that's unfortunate..._

Celestia chuckled frivolously. "For Celestia's sake, Twilight, get a hold of yourself."

"**UUGGGHHHH!**" I groaned painfully and fell out of my chair.

* * *

><p>I don't honestly know what happened after that. I think I must have passed out. All I know is that I awoke on the floor several minutes later with a very sore noggin. I also decided that it would be best to blame Twilight Sparkle for everything. That tactic seemed to be working well for me.<p>

"Oh, you're finally awake." Trixie grinned down at me from her seat. "We were going to do something, but we ended up spending the whole time arguing about why you passed out instead. Then the waiter got impatient and told us we either had to order food or actually do something to help you and... well, we were pretty hungry..."

My vision was still a little blurry and my head was pounding, but I swore something was missing from Trixie's usual appearance. _Eyes? Nope, those are still there. Torso? No, that's still there too. Hmm..._

"What... what happen?" I stuttered.

With a sincere expression, Trixie replied, "Somebody set up us the bomb."

"We get signal!" Celestia shouted at me, a full glass of wine sloshing around beside her.

I must have still been a little dazed, as I had absolutely no idea what they were talking about. They seemed to be speaking with very poor grammar on purpose! _It must be Twilight Sparkle's fault!_

"What?" I asked.

I did realize that Celestia was now wearing a top hat identical to the one I had on. _This situation is growing odder by the minute... Perhaps if I add one to the situation, I can even things out a bit._

Princess Luna leaned over me with a very displeased look on her face.

"Main screen turn on!" Celestia yelled, the undersized top hat wobbling on her head.

"It's you!" I said, glaring hard at the moon princess.

She frowned at me. "We have no words to describe the idiocy of this situation."

I felt like I was even less informed than I was when I had first woken up. And adding one had not helped my situation. It was still very odd. _I really am terrible at math..._

Noticing my puzzled expression, Trixie chuckled softly and smiled. "The general consensus was that you couldn't handle hearing Princess Celestia say her own name in a common expression."

I couldn't believe what I was hearing. "What?"

"You know, like 'What in Celestia's name?' or 'by Celestia!'?"

"Celestia was saying that?"

"Yeah."

"She's not allowed to say that."

"Why not?"

"It's very clearly written in the constitution!"

Trixie shook her head. "What are you talking about?"

"We had almost forgotten about that ridiculous old scroll..." Luna admitted with a very upside-down smile. "When Equestria was founded, the alicorns signed an agreement that said we couldn't use our own names in those expressions."

"Really!" Trixie asked, fixing a confused stare on Princess Luna. "Why would you-"

"Don't ask." Luna said.

"Well, what are the repercussions of violating the constitution?"

"Celestia must pay the offended pony a total fine of three whole bits."

Celestia threw her hooves in the air dejectedly. "**I can't afford that!**"

Trixie's ignored the princess' remark. "That's... that's not very much money..."

"It was a significant sum of money a couple thousand years ago." Luna corrected. "The constitution has never been updated."

"What else does the constitution say?" Trixie asked.

"Actually, that's it." Luna said. "And that's the only written constitution in all of Equestria. And it's not that we wouldn't sign anything else or you go the short end of the stick... You ponies just didn't want anything else from us. You just didn't want us using our own names in those expressions. In fact, you could have cared less if we sold you all into slavery."

"Oh! We should do that, Luna." Celestia grinned. "Tomorrow, you and I will wake up early and sell all of the ponies in Equestria into slavery. Then I can pay Twilight! And we can have a picnic! And go bowling! And eat burritos!"

"Art thou **really** suggesting we sell the entire population of Equestria into slavery for only three bits?" Luna asked with a hint of scepticism.

Celestia rubbed the back of her neck. "You think we could get more than that?"

"Thou really are drunk, sister." Luna said.

"Drunk with awesome ideas!" Celestia countered.

Luna said nothing.

"Anyway..." Trixie turned back to face me. "Celestia agreed to stop using those expressions on one condition... You had to give her your 'totally tubular' hat. Though, apparently it was your constitutional right not to have to endure those expressions, so it seemed like Trixie traded away your hat for nothing..."

"It really is **totally tubular**." Celestia was ecstatic.

The white alicorn leaned back in her chair, trying to get a good look at the hat on her head. However, she didn't seem to realize that it was physically impossible to look at a hat you are currently wearing and just kept leaning further and further back until-

_CRASH!_

Luna planted her hoof firmly against her face and sighed loudly.

_But if she has my hat, then... _I reached up to feel the crown of my head. But instead of feeling my bare mane as I had expected, and feared, I felt something else, something different...

Trixie looked at the princess stumbling around on the ground and then back at me. She grinned curtly.

"Did you not expect Trixie to have a plan?" She shook her head slowly. "Trixie is offended by the very suggestion! Nevertheless, she will let you borrow her hat for the rest of the night."

"**I'm alright!**" Celestia reassured as she got back in her chair.

My eyes lit up. "You mean... I get to wear your awesome hat!"

Trixie squinted her eyes at me. "Only because Trixie doesn't have any better options right now..."

"**WEEEEEEEEEE!**" I squealed and pulled the hat further onto my head.

It was a **really** awesome hat.

"**Don't you dare wreck that hat, Hooves!**" Trixie glared, pointing her hoof at me sternly.

With a massive grin plastered on my face, I got up off the floor and sat back down in the seat beside Trixie. I had no plans on destroying such a wonderful hat and, albeit temporary, gift from my new friend.

I proudly saluted Trixie. "I shall guard this hat with my life."

"Wait..." Luna squinted her great eyes at me. "Trixie, you called her 'Hooves'!"

The moon princess laughed. She had a huge smile on her face.

"Thou heard her, right sister! Haha! We knew she was a fake and there is thy proof! The butter on the cake! The icing on the bread!"

Trixie pointed her hoof at the dark alicorn. "Trixie doesn't think you're using those expressions correctly..."

"Not one pony cares, foal, because thou uttered this impostor's real name!" Luna giggled. "Now, get out of our sight! Thou have lost!"

"Is that true, Twilight?" Celestia looked at me. "Are you an impostor?"

I was in terrible danger of losing my false identity! But I had a plan... I always had a plan... I had... **interpretative dance!**

I leapt out of my seat, preparing for the most dramatic display I could muster.

"Oh no! Trixie is not letting you dance again!" My companion forcefully pulled me back into my seat. "Besides, she has a perfectly reasonable explanation for this."

"Oh really!" Luna laughed.

"It's okay, Princess Luna." Trixie answered. "Trixie knows you are too young to properly understand. She won't belittle you for your mistakes."

"**We art thousands of years older than thou!**"

"And yet, still not old enough to understand that age is not determined by the years a pony has lived." Trixie smiled.

"**That is the very definition of age!**" Luna shouted in frustration.

"Age is entirely dependent on a pony's collective wisdom and you, Luna, are still very young. But do not fret, Trixie shall impart some of her greater wisdom upon you."

Luna had given up arguing.

"Trixie called her 'Hooves', because that is her nickname." Trixie made a gesture, as if she was expecting a round of applause.

"Her nickname is 'Hooves'?" Luna laughed again. "That is the most ridiculous-"

"**THAT MAKE'S PEREFECT SENSE!**" Celestia shouted. "They call her 'Hooves', **because**, she has hooves!"

"**Sister! That's idiotic!** Everypony has hooves."

"Nope! Sorry, Luna. I've made up my mind!" Celestia stuck her chin proudly in the air. "And you of all ponies should know: when I make up my mind, I don't change it until somepony is banished to the moon!"

Luna bit her lip.

"Okay! Get that outta here! Forget about it! It's done with." Celestia took a long swig of her wine. "Now! Trixie! I believe you were just about to tell us a story, before Hooves had woken up?"

The princess pointed her hoof at me and winked.

I returned the gesture. _I still have no idea why we're doing this. _

Celestia then took a sip of her wine and leaned in towards the center of the table expectantly.

"Of course." Trixie nodded. "Trixie was going to tell you a story of epic proportions, the story of why the Great and Powerful Trixie hasn't held a proper mailing address since she was eighteen?"

Celestia happily shook her head up and down.

"What?" Luna intervened. "That doesn't sound epic at all!"

"Ah, yes." Trixie nodded again, ignoring the moon princess. "Well, as the Great and Powerful Trixie may have already informed you, she was following in her famous uncle's hoofsteps and had always dreamed of living in a beautiful mansion in central Manehatten. So after she graduated in the top of her class at Princess Celestia's School for Gifted Unicorns and discovered her true passion in the entertainment business, she purchased a magnificent new house right in the middle of the city. It would be Trixie's very first time living outside of her parent's house and she was very excited."

Luna was steaming mad. "Thou has just glazed over nearly half a dozen more interesting stories than how thou lost thy **mailing address!**"

Trixie ignored Luna again, leaned forward and started waving her hooves in the air.

She breathed in and out loudly. "Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo!"

"What is thou doing now?" Luna raised a hoof questioningly.

"Trixie is initiating a flashback." she replied quickly, finally answering the alicorn but still flailing her hooves around. "Woo! Woo! Woo!"

"That's not how you initiate a flashback!" I loudly interrupted. "It's 'Shhh! Shhh! Shhh! Shhh!'"

"Oh please, Trixie knows how to initiate a flashback and it is most certainly not 'Shhh!', it's 'Woo!'"

"No, you're both wrong," Celestia jumped in, shaking her head vigorously, "it's 'Zow!'"

"It is **NOT **'Zow!" Trixie and I chimed in.

Celestia planted her fore hooves on her hips. "But have you ever tried 'Zow'?"

"**Shut up! Just shut up!**" Luna cried out. "**Ugh!** **Nopony cares!** **You're all complete foals!**"

The moon princess leapt out of her seat.

"If thou have need of us, we are going to be in the little filly's room, avoiding this terrible story." Luna grumbled and stormed away.

"But Princess Luna! You can't go in there! You're not a little filly." I shouted after her, shaking my head.

"Yeah Luna! You're really **fat**!" Celestia shouted out and broke into a fit of laughter.

Luna picked up a nearby vacant chair and threw it against the wall. "**UGH!**"

The chair shattered into thousands of tiny pieces and several of the other guests glanced in her direction to see what the commotion was.

"Ooooo..." Celestia pretended to be afraid. "Somepony is **angry** tonight."

It appeared that I had helped construct a genuinely humorous situation, as both Celestia and Trixie were giggling pleasantly. Wanting to extend both my companion's and the princess' glee. I decided to add something else.

"Yes. Luna seems very perturbed, very perturbed indeed." I said.

Trixie and Celestia stopped laughing.

"How very unbecoming of her." I grinned.

Silence.

"Ooooo..." I pretended to be afraid.

It wasn't working. Twilight Sparkle must have trapped them in a temporary stasis in a futile attempt to embarrass me. _Oh, you'll get yours, Twilight, you fiend! _

"As Trixie was saying..." Trixie slowly pulled her eyes away from my flailing hooves and started flailing her own. "Woo! Woo!"

"Zow." Celestia corrected with a slow nod of her head.

"Trixie doesn't-"

"Just try it."

Trixie shrugged. "Zow! Zow! Zow! Zow!"

I had to agree with Celestia. 'Zow!' had much more pizzazz than I expected. It was much like finding a hole in your pocket. At first, you're sad, because you lost everything that used to be in your pocket, but then you realize that you've got a casserole baking in the oven.

And thus, we entered the mysterious realm of Trixie's flashback, a world that seemed much like the one we were in now, only with much more talking.

"It was so very long ago that Trixie arrived in Manehatten, her hopes and dreams packed tightly into her saddlebags. Late into the evening, the streets were all but abandoned. And only the snow falling from the dark, clouded sky above kept her any company at all as she ventured onward to her future."

Trixie spoke with such passionate emotion. Her words were powerful, but quaint. They seemed to wrap themselves around you, embrace you and lead you on a glorious journey.

Trixie's horn lit up and she swept her hoof across the table, a brilliant image forming in its wake. The picture moved and changed, telling exactly the same story as the one she described, a pony wandering alone through the snowy, barren streets of a strange city.

"But no weather, no lack of company, no darkness would deter Trixie. She wandered on and eventually reached the bright red door of her new house... and her new life..."

Celestia and I were sucked into the story. It wasn't only what we saw and heard, but what we experienced. We could see a great red door. We could hear the snow crunch beneath our hooves. We could smell the wetness of the earth, feel the bitter cold, touch the rugged door with the end of our hooves. It was truly amazing.

The character looked up in bewilderment and, before long, a smile formed on her lips. She was happy. She was happy for all that she worked for, all her dreams that had come true, all that simply was. And because the character was happy, I was happy too. I saw what she saw and I felt what she felt. I was there. I was her.

Trixie's words poured into my ears. "Only one thing stood between Trixie and the wonderful dreams she had longed to live. Only one thing stood in her way... a simple door.

"All she needed to do now was put the key in and turn the handle..."

A small golden key was lifted out of my bag and pushed into the keyhole. The key turned and the door opened. The image turned black and a bizarre, sickly smell wafted into my nose.

Trixie spoke again. "But though it was Trixie's dream to own and live inside that wondrous house, she could have never dreamed of the things that waited inside. The horrible, terrible things..."

I gasped loudly as a bright flash illuminated the picture and all was blinded in its light. Nothing remained but myself, lost in a great expanse of white nothingness.

But the white light soon receded and I was joined by strange silhouettes, silhouettes of dark, disturbing creatures.

Trixie continued. "Through the blinding light, Trixie could only catch faint glances of the horrible, screeching abominations around her. Their tongues were long and extended inwards and outwards like clockwork. And on top of their heads, they brandished terrible, sharp horns, like nothing she had ever seen before!"

As the monster silhouettes appeared in the image before me, I couldn't help noticing that they looked vaguely familiar. Actually, the whole story sounded vaguely familiar.

"But standing in front of her, amongst these horrible monsters, was a mere pony. A pony that Trixie could only believe was manifested from pure evil."

Standing there before me, in the middle of the room, was an ominous grey pony with a dark, charcoal mane.

_Well, that's different..._

"Petrified, Trixie dropped her keys and her bags, opening her mouth wide and shrieking louder than a rusty nail on a blackboard. Shortly after, the bright light dimmed before her, the noises settled to a murmur, the grey pony became a simple blurry grey object and Trixie promptly passed out on the floor."

Mimicking her actions, I too felt myself scream and the world fade around me. But when all turned black, I opened my mouth.

"You know, this exact same thing happened to me." I interrupted. "Well, except the pony was pink."

The image, the smells, the feeling, it all seemed to spark and fizzle and after a moment, it all just caught on fire. But as soon as the fire started, I was pulled back into reality and I found myself sitting there with Trixie blowing furiously on a flaming table in front of us.

"Awww... What happened!" Celestia sniffed. "I liked that story. Very dramatic!"

When the fire was put out, leaving a smelly, smoking black spot on the wood, Trixie gave me a fierce look. "**What do you mean this happened to you!**"

"Yeah! I had the same experience." I shook my head in agreement. "Isn't that weird?"

"No, that's not weird! That's impossible. This didn't happen to you. This is a very unique experience that could only ever happen to the Great and Powerful Trixie. You must be confused."

"Nope. I'm pretty sure it's the same experience."

Trixie scoffed. "Ok. Then what happens next?"

"You wake up in your new house with your saddlebags in one corner of the room. Your keys are on top of them and you begin to think that it was all just a dream until-"

Trixie and I spoke simultaneously. "you find a note on your bedside table that says:

"You sure haven't been to many parties before, have you? Don't worry, you'll get used to it."

Celestia clapped her hooves together excitedly. "Hey cool! Is this part of the story!"

"Wait, what?" Trixie asked. "**You actually had the same experience!**"

"Uhhh... yeah." I answered. "That's why I wore those contacts- **AWWW! **Now I remembered I broke those..."

It sure was difficult finding a pair of contact lenses like those. They don't usually sell the ones I buy. I think they must be imported or something, because you have to look really hard to find that fancy brand called '**Defective! Do Not Sell!**'.

"Well then..." Trixie stated plainly. "Trixie hopes you're happy. You've just devalued one of the most life-altering moments of her life. She thinks she shall go cry about this when she goes home..."

For a moment, we sat in silence, reflecting on our similar experiences.

_Wait... If they already ordered their food... What am I going to eat!_

"I still don't get it." Celestia shrugged. "Why don't you have a real mailing address?"

Trixie's response was far from enthusiastic. "Well, after Trixie woke up in that bedroom, she sold her place and refused to live in a house ever again. She didn't want to have to endure the same terrible experience she had in her youth.

"Trixie lives in mobile homes now. She doesn't have any problem with those and it helps her save money, not having to rent a hotel room when she travels."

"Well, Trixie, that wasn't quite as epic as you made it out to be..." Celestia admitted.

"No..." Trixie sighed. "No it was not."

"Good evening, everpyony." Luna announced, returning to her seat. "We are feeling much better now."

"Yeah, I always feel that way after I take a big dump." Celestia smiled.

"Great! Thank you, sister." Luna smiled back. "Now we don't feel so well anymore."

"Always happy to help." Celestia said.

Celestia downed her entire glass of wine. She then fumbled around, looking for more.

"Hey!" She looked at her sister in horror. "Luna, I don't think I have any more wine!"

Luna's previously defeated expression imploded in on itself and was replaced by an evil grin.

"Oh." Luna chuckled quietly, staring directly at me. "Good."

* * *

><p>Author's Notes:<p>

Hello everyone! I don't have much to say this time, but I hope you enjoyed the chapter and that you're looking forward to the next one!

My thanks goes out to both my editor, Specter Von Baren, and my prereader, themadkossak. Your time and patience are much appreciated and you both really help keep this story rolling on the right track.

If you have any questions or comments about the story, feel free to email me at . I also keep a close eye on the comments below, so you can reach me there too.

* * *

><p>Disclaimer:<p>

"My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic" and its derivatives are the sole intellectual property of Hasbro©. I do not have, nor claim to have, the rights to the intellectual property that this story is based on.


	6. Chapter 6

**The Mailmare**

_By theamberfox_

**Chapter 6**

_Princess Celestia is out of wine!_

I immediately began hyperventilating. I remembered seeing a pony hyperventilate in the dentist's office one time and it seemed like a good idea. After all, oxygen is an important part of life. It keeps you going. It makes you smart! It makes you tough! So if a pony were to get some extra oxygen in their diet, wouldn't they be even tougher and smarter than usual? To think otherwise would be absolutely ludicrous! No pony can have too much of a good thing. That's why they call it a good thing and not a bad thing!

"Woah! Calm down, Hooves." Trixie held me by the shoulders and stared directly into my eyes. "This is not the time to panic."

_Panic! Me!_ _What a ridiculous notion!_

"**I'm** ***huff*** **not *****huff***** panicking!**" I explained through exasperated breathes. "**I'm *****huff***** strategizing!**"

Yes, I was sure this new hyperventilating tactic would lead me to glory. But it certainly was a peculiar feeling, this extra toughness and smartness. Indeed, it almost felt like this excess of oxygen was actually a poison. My head felt clouded and strange, like it was trapped in a sea of thick cream cheese. And my limbs, they felt heavy and weak, like they were also in a sea of thick cream cheese. All I wanted to do was lie down and just get away from all this cream cheese, but I needed to fight through it! I needed that extra oxygen, that extra boost if I was going to save the world from the wrath of Twilight Sparkle.

"**Stop it!**" Trixie slapped me across the face.

I narrowed my eyes to thin slits. She had gone too far. She had interrupted my concentration when it was at its finest and now I had nothing! All my extra smartness and toughness was gone!

"I don't think you know what you're doing, friend." I said warily, my gaze unblinking, fixed upon her face.

Trixie stared back at me with the same harsh resolve. "The Great and Powerful Trixie knows **exactly** what she's doing. She **always** knows exactly what she's doing."

"Do you really? Do you truly understand what you have done!" I prodded her in the chest. "**Do you understand the consequences, the action and the reaction, the past, the present and the future and how it will all change now because of what you've just done! Do you really, truly understand!**"

Trixie did not respond immediately. Instead, she continued to stare. Her lips trembled, as if she wanted to say something, but couldn't. It was as if my words had touched her very soul and made her regret what she had done. Or perhaps it was something else. Perhaps she was so determined, so convinced that she was right that she could do nothing else...

Or perhaps, as evidenced by the rest of the table's clear mystification as well as the small amount of drool on my chin, I was still just recovering from my hyperventilated state and the excellent speech I thought I had made was not quite so excellent and was actually a lot more incoherent than I imagined.

"Um... Your highness? Princess Luna? Ladies?" The stout waiter with the irritating voice had returned with a cart of food and was looking upon us with concern. "A thousand pardons, but I have brought your meals. Would you care to eat them now, or am I interrupting something important?"

Luna, who had remained silent for all this time, motioned for the waiter to come closer. "We believe those two idiots are in the middle of a duel or something, but honestly, we wouldn't mind our meal now. Making sense of this situation is a rather fruitless ambition."

"**Fruit!** Oh yeah! I'm so hungry, I could eat a horse!" Princess Celestia snatched a plate from the cart.

The waiter turned pale at the thought.

Maybe it was her breath, which still smelled like two dozen pickled eggs, or maybe it was her new hat, which was really my hat, but whatever the case, the waiter seemed to have an interesting habit of changing colours whenever Princess Celestia opened her mouth.

"Can you two wait until after we eat before you continue your duel?" Celestia asked.

Celestia looked down at her plate. On it was a large bowl of thick orange soup, garnished with a small green leaf that floated gently on the surface. Crowded around the plate like vigilant soldiers guarding their castle was an assortment of about twenty different kinds of dinner rolls in all sorts and sizes. I was both intrigued and slightly bewildered by the display, but everypony else just rolled their eyes.

"I think we're done." I looked at Trixie. "We're done right?"

"Trixie doesn't even know what we're doing." she shrugged.

"Oh, I don't really know either. I was just trying to make a scene." I smiled and shrugged. "I like making a scene. Making a scene is fun."

"What is wrong with thou!" Luna complained. "'Making a scene is not fun!"

Trixie shook her head in disagreement. "Not true. Making a scene is **very** fun. In fact, Trixie has the most fun in her life when she's making a scene."

"Hey, I like making a scene too!" Celestia grinned. "I think making a scene is an important part of a healthy, balanced lifestyle."

Celestia's grin deepened and she leaned over the table.

"This one time... I was making a scene... and... while there was this wine on the table, right? See, I like wine and I think wine is an important part of a healthy, balanced lifestyle..." Celestia leaned back away from the table and looked at her sister. "By the way, I still need some more wine, Luna. I'm all out and I really think I need some more wine."

Celestia looked at the waiter as he set a plate down beside Luna. The moon princess had ordered some kind of salad and her plate was covered in a jungle of leafy green foliage. It honestly seemed like too mundane of a meal for a pony of her size and stature, but then again, I really can't say I knew what a princess was supposed to eat.

"**Waiter! Bring me more wine!**" Celestia commanded, pounding the table with her hoof and raising her empty glass in the air.

As if it were terribly funny that she made such demands, Celestia chuckled at her own display.

The waiter looked to the princess with a bright smile on his face and an eager twitch in his limbs. There was nothing he wanted more than to please Celestia and get her more wine. But before he said or did anything at all, his gaze was inexplicably drawn away, towards the other, younger princess.

But the dark alicorn was not quite as happy as her sister. She stared daggers at the waiter. Shaking her head in disapproval, she rapidly drew her hoof across her neck in a very threatening manner.

"Well!" Celestia tried to sound annoyed, but the playful giggling between her words spoiled the attempt. "Your princess needs more wine, lad! **Do you intend to keep her waiting!**"

"I'm... I'm sorry, your highness. We don't... we don't have anymore wine." the waiter said, sounding very unsure of himself.

"**No more wine!** How dare thee utter those bitter words at the royal table!" Celestia could barely contain her laughter. "Get me something else then. Anything with alcohol in it."

The waiter looked at Luna.

Luna shook her head.

The waiter swallowed hard. "I'm sorry, you highness. We don't have anymore alcohol."

"**No alcohol!** I swear, you are the most **useless** waiter in the world!" Celestia frowned.

The white alicorn pressed her fore hooves against her temples and closed her eyes. The entire table fell silent as she slipped into deep, contemplative thought.

Not too much later, her eyelids flew open, she turned to the waiter and she asked him in a rapid and desperate tone, "What about mouthwash? Do you have any mouthwash?"

"**Sister!**" Luna was aghast. "We will **not **let thou drink **mouthwash!**"

"Well, what do you want me to do, Luna? Shrivel up and die?" Celestia frantically cried out. "**I'm dying here!**"

"Thou art not **dying**, sister. Thou art finally sobering up."

Trixie and I looked at each other. We were both still worried about that. We needed to find more wine, fast... Though, I still had no idea why we needed to feed the princess so much expired juice.

_Perhaps, _I thought, _our plan is to send her on a lavatory vacation? I do hope she sends me a postcard..._

Celestia cringed. She clutched her chest with one fore hoof and held herself up with the other. She seemed to be in a great deal of pain.

Her voice dry and raspy, she shouted out, "**Sober!**"

She cringed again. Her mouth gently quivered and her eyes watered. Her pupils shrunk.

"Princess Celestia?" The waiter seemed very worried now.

Celestia shot her hoof into the air in the most magnificent fashion. And, for a moment, she seemed to hang there, frozen in time and space. But it was a fleeting moment and she soon fell from her statuesque pose. She slumped onto the table, her hat flew off and her face slammed against the bowl of soup in a spectacular fashion. The bowl capsized and dinner rolls and a monsoon of orange liquid flew in every direction, thoroughly soaking the table around her.

"**Oh dear! Your highness, are you alright!**" The waiter panicked, rushing to the alicorn's side.

Celestia plucked a now very orange face off of the table and turned it to the waiter. Her expression was dead. Boring and plain, it told me nothing of her mood and I had no idea what to expect from her next.

Celestia giggled childishly.

"I **completely **forgot about the soup." She smirked. "I was all like, **'Sober!'** **WHAM!**"

Celestia threw her hooves in the air.

**"**Right in the soup!" She laughed again.

The waiter frowned and scratched his head. "Shall I get you some more soup, your majesty?"

Celestia just giggled.

Luna sighed. "Don't bother. It will likely take thou a week to find all those bread rolls again. We shall clean it up."

"Princess?" The waiter seemed puzzled.

But Luna ignored him and focused the magic around her horn. Gradually, all the soup on the table, in the bread rolls and on Celestia's face, mane, and beautiful cream coloured ball gown began to gather in the air. It floated there for a moment before transforming into a puffy orange cloud that drifted over top of Celestia's overturned bowl. The bowl turned itself upright and then, from the bizarre cloud, it began to rain. And for only the second time in my life, it rained pumpkin and squash soup.

The first time it had rained pumpkin and squash soup was at my eleventh birthday when I developed incredible psychic powers. The psychic powers were a rare gift from a genie. He told me I could use my powers only for good and never for evil. So of course the first thing I did was use my powers to feed the orphans outside my window, by showering them with a righteous spray of pumpkin and squash soup.

The orphans quickly fled and without delay, the genie turned to me and angrily asked, "Why did you do that!"

"I wanted to feed the poor," I replied.

"They aren't poor! They're cats!" he shouted back.

"All cats are poor." I replied earnestly.

The genie then took my powers away and impaled himself with fork, never to be seen again.

Turning my attention back to the soup, I noticed the last of the cloud had dissipated, the bowl was full and the scattered dinner rolls were gathered and neatly placed around their centerpiece. Finally, the little green leaf was found and returned back to the exact center of the meal and the setting looked, for all intents and purposes, perfectly identical to how it did when Celestia's meal first arrived.

"Eww." Celestia whined, seemingly unsure of what to make of this strange magic. "It's been on the ground. I don't want soup that's been on the ground."

"Now sister, we filtered out every particle of dirt, dust, and anything else that could possibly be unappetizing." Luna explained matter-of-factly. "We dare say thy soup is cleaner than it was when it first arrived."

Celestia just leaned forward in her chair and smelled the soup. But just as soon as the warm scent had filled her nostrils, her head darted backwards and she turned to Luna with a look of great disgust, agony and even horror!

"**Where's my hat! I don't have my hat!**" she squealed.

Luna rolled her eyes, her horn flared and, from out of nowhere, that undersized black top hat of mine appeared on top of the white alicorn's head. As soon as it did, Celestia merely grinned happily, as if she hadn't a care in the world, and she leaned back forward to smell the soup again.

Luan rolled her eyes again.

"Is that what you did on the moon?" Trixie teased. "You learned how to clean up soup?"

The waiter wandered back to the cart and picked up another plate.

"It's not just cleaning up soup!" Luna argued. "It's much more complicated than that!"

The waiter walked over beside Trixie and set a plate down in front of her. It appeared to be some kind of pasta, tortellini perhaps. The whole thing was drenched in so much tomato sauce I honestly couldn't tell. The only thing left untouched by the thick dressing was a small, oblong piece of toast.

It both amazed and saddened me, that piece of toast. As a young filly, I had taken lessons from the great "Master of Toast". It was not an easy life and it required an immense degree of concentration and diligence. And even after five years of careful study, I could not cook a perfect piece of toast like the one that waited on Trixie's plate. But after those five years had passed, I realized that the great 'Master of Toast' was actually a piece of toast himself. At that exact moment, a giant iron 'E' fell from the heavens and crushed the 'Master of Toast' under it's tremendous weight.

Confused and slightly depressed, I sold that giant iron 'E' and bought some kind of 'toasting machine' at my local drug store. I still haven't used it yet.

"What kinds of soup can you clean up?" Trixie snorted. "Vegetable barley? Corn chowder?"

"It's not just soup! It's an extremely complicated combination of filtration and gathering spells that require years of practice."

The waiter walked back to the cart to retrieve what I assumed would be my own meal.

"Ok, so you can clean up coffee and milk and stuff too? That's cool. Did you do anything else on the moon, or did you just spend all one thousand years learning how to clean up soup and stuff?"

"Yeah, what **did **you do on the moon, Luna?" Celestia added, taking a substantial bite out of one of the dinner rolls.

"We did lots of things!" Luna declared, nodding feverishly. "We also... um... well, we wrote a song!"

"What's it about?" I asked.

The waiter set a plate in front of me. On it, was one thing and one thing only. It appeared to be some kind of brown lump that the chef had seared dark lines into over the grill. Other than that, I could not hope to describe this disturbing thing in front of me.

"Is it about soup?" Trixie asked. "Because if it's about soup, Trixie doesn't want to hear anything about it."

"**It's not about soup!**" Luna protested.

The moon princess then hung her head, as if she knew she was going to regret what she was about to say.

She took a deep breath before continuing, but still, her voice quivered ever so gently when she spoke, "When I was alone... on the moon..."

"Hey, what is this?" I pointed to the brown mass in front of me.

"Hey, yeah! What is that thing?" Trixie asked, eyes wide with interest. "It's like, totally weird!"

"**Ugh!**" Luna's head snapped back up and she gnashed her teeth. "You ponies are impossible! Can you not hold your attention to one thing for longer than five seconds?"

"But, just look at this thing!" Trixie exclaimed, waving a hoof at the brown blob.

"Yeah, this is not what I ordered." I said to the waiter.

"Miss, I believe you were unconscious when everypony else ordered." the waiter explained. "As such, Princess Luna insisted on ordering for you."

"Ohhhhh..." I slowly nodded. "Well, what is it?"

"It's called meat." Luna said begrudgingly. "And we ordered it for thou because..."

The dark alicorn took a second to collect herself.

"Because we wanted thou to demonstrate thy excellent magical ability that we have heard so very much about." Luna said, trying to forget her anger.

"What?" Trixie sputtered, her mouth full of pasta.

"Meat needs to be properly cut before it can be chewed and ingested." Luna said. "Thou must wield a knife and cut thy meat into manageable portions. But that is something we're sure thou will be more than capable of."

Luna let a sly grin work its way onto her face. Somehow she knew I had no chance of actually cutting that brown blob into smaller portions. That's why she ordered it for me. She wanted me to look like a fool! She wanted to prove that I wasn't a unicorn!

"But you still haven't explained what meat is." Trixie noted.

Luna's grin grew larger. "Oh, we won't badger thee with all the petty details. It is simply a Canterlot delicacy."

I poked the meat with the end of my hoof. It was soft and squishy and when I pressed down upon it-

"**WOAH!**" Trixie, Celestia and I all cried out at once.

The meat secreted some kind of strange, red juice!

"**MY WORD!**" I yanked my hoof away. "**You're right, Princess Luna! This meat is incredibly delicate! I can't even touch it!**"

Celestia was holding her thumping chest and Trixie's mouth was hanging wide with wonder, bits of pasta falling out and onto the table in a very uncivil display.

Slightly annoyed, Luna tried to correct me, "That's not what 'delicacy' means."

I poked the meat again. More strange red juice squirted out of the odd brown lump and once again, Trixie, Celestia and I cried out.

_This 'meat' is just plain wrong!_

"**What is that!**" Trixie asked, pointing at the red juice.

"**It's freakin' me out, guys!**" Celestia panicked.

I pulled my hoof away. "**Princess, this 'meat' is much too delicate to eat! I wish to order something else!**"

"That is **not** what 'delicacy' means." Luna was quite a bit more agitated now. "Could you even-"

I poked the meat again, harder this time. A significant amount of red juice fled from the meat.

"**Stop poking it!**" Luna snatched the plate away from my hoof.

The moon princess directed her attention towards Celestia. The white alicorn was still staring wordlessly at the meat.

"**Sister!**" In addition to her annoyance, Luna sounded surprised. "Why is thou acting like this? Thou hast seen meat before!"

Celestia's expression instantly reverted to it's normal, relaxed state.

"Everypony else was doing it." She shrugged innocently. "I didn't want to feel left out."

"I want to poke the meat again." I said.

"Can I poke the meat too?" Trixie asked.

"I wanna poke the meat." Celestia whined hopefully.

"**No!**" Luna shouted.

Celestia peered over at her sister. "You can poke it too."

"**Nopony is poking the meat!**" Luna picked up a fork and a knife up off the table and leisurely tossed both utensils in front of me. "Twilight is going to **eat** the meat."

I looked at the fork and the knife with some hesitation.

Convinced enough that I wouldn't poke it again, Luna slid the plate of meat back in front of me and smiled curtly. "And we are **all** going to watch her."

"Pardon, Princess?" the waiter interrupted.

I was surprised he hadn't left yet.

"Would you also like me to watch Miss Sparkle eat the meat?" he asked.

Luna raised an eyebrow at the waiter. "What? No, we don't care what thou does."

"Well then, with your permission, your majesty, I would like to watch Miss Sparkle eat the meat."

"**What!**" Luna was furious. "**No! Just get out of here! You're a waiter! Do your job!**"

Disappointed and ashamed, the stout waiter returned to his cart and slowly began pushing it away.

"Now, now, Luna." Celestia lectured her sibling, waving a hoof in her face. "That wasn't very nice. He just wanted to see some meat get eaten."

"**We don't care!**" Luna growled. "Just hurry up and eat that meat already, Sparkle!"

"I need to consult with my meat eating advisor first." I declared with a firm nod.

"**No! No meat eating advisors!**"

"Princess Luna, Twilight Sparkle has a right to an attorney." Trixie slammed the table with her hoof. "Who are you to deny her that right!"

"We are the **guardian of the moon! WE ARE PRINCESS LUNA!**"she argued.** "And she does not have the right to a meat eating advisor!**"

"And do you have any proof of that claim?" Trixie argued back, jabbing her hoof at the dark alicorn.

Luna pointed back, but at me instead of Trixie as I had expected. "**OK!** **And does she have proof that she's actually Twilight Sparkle!**"

I started to speak. "I-"

"You don't have to answer that." Trixie interrupted me.

My new friend turned to Luna with a smug expression.

"You know what?" Trixie said. "Even if she wanted to, Twilight couldn't eat this meat."

"Of course she can't. She can't even pick up the fork. She's not a-" Luna was cut off.

"She can't eat this meat because she **doesn't know how!**" Trixie declared, pounding the table again with her hoof. "**Not one single pony has told her how to eat this meat!**"

"She does have a point, Luna." Celestia agreed. "Hooves doesn't know how to eat the meat."

Luna was boiling over. She looked ready to explode.

I crouched down low in my seat to avoid the blast.

"**I ALREADY TOLD HER HOW TO EAT IT!**" Luna screamed.

"**OBJECTION!**" Trixie intervened. "**That was not a proper explanation and you know it!**"

"**Sustained!**" Celestia cried out.

The white alicorn slammed the table twice with her hoof. Several bread rolls fell off her plate and some of the soup splashed onto the table.

And then the inevitable happened. Luna exploded.

"**NO!** **I HAVE HAD ENOUGH OF THIS! SHE IS GOING TO EAT THAT MEAT WHETHER-**"

"**OBJECTION SUSTAINED!**" Celestia cried out with such power that the whole room shook under the weight of her voice.

The older sister then slammed her hooves against the table with such fury, determination and strength that the entire table exploded. The cups shattered, the plates shattered, even the massive wooden legs supporting the table shattered! I blinked and before I even knew what had happened, I was thrown from my chair and there was a tremendous boom as something hit the floor! When I opened my eyes, the table legs were gone and the huge, flat surface of the table was sitting on the ground, covered with smashed glass and porcelain and splattered with all our food.

Trixie, Luna and I were lying on the ground and Celestia was standing over the table like a champion standing proudly in front of her troops. Her magnificent mane and tail flowed majestically in the fictional wind and her dress gleamed in the faint sunlight as it crept in through the windows behind her and cast long shadows over the room.

The only thing that seemed out of place was that little black top hat, still sitting precariously on her head.

"Objection sustained!" Celestia firmly announced once more.

When I looked down at her feet, I saw it. The meat was there, perfectly intact, but covered with chunks of food and glass. I had to admit, it actually looked more appetizing with the extra colour.

Trixie sat on the ground beside me. She was in the exact same spot she had been in previously, but her chair was just gone. It was as if the chair had simply disintegrated into thin air, as there was certainly no trace of it left anywhere in the near vicinity. And with it gone, Trixie just blinked her eyes and watched seemingly nothing at all.

And Luna... Luna didn't seem to know what to say or do at all. She, like nearly all of the ponies in the dining hall, acted as if a meteor had struck our table and the only thing that was left was that stupid meat. I swear she had even forgotten how to breathe, as her face turned paler by the minute.

Finally, Celestia looked at the mess around her and seemed to regain her awareness of the situation.

"Luna?" Celestia asked as she planted her rear firmly on the ground a few inches away from the table. "I may need you to clean up my soup again."

Luna batted her eyelashes at her sibling before responding in complete monotony, "We won't ask how you broke our table like that, as we firmly believe we will never truly know, even with an explanation, but why, sister? Why did thou feel so inclined to do that?"

"I thought it was appropriate." Celestia gently nodded. "You were acting like a real foal."

Luna glanced over the broken table lying on the floor. I think she wanted to take it all in one more time. If nothing else, it really was an interesting phenomenon. It was like watching a mountain stand up and walk away. No matter how many times you saw it, you would never really believe it.

And then, with a heavy breath and an empty voice, Luna said, "We will try to be more considerate of others."

"Good." Celestia said. "I expect nothing less."

Still unknowing of just what we were supposed to do, Trixie, Luna and I scooted ourselves closer to the table and propped ourselves up in sitting positions. And from that point onwards, we proceeded to pretend that the table legs were still there, the chairs were still beneath us, and the table wasn't an absolute disaster. It certainly made a lot more sense than the reality of the situation.

"Would you care for some meat, Twilight?" Celestia asked me.

I looked at the food spattered, glass covered brown lump with uncertainty. "Uh... Yeah, sure. I'm pretty hungry after all of that."

And with that, the table erupted back into it's regular disorder.

"**What is wrong with thou!**" Luna asked in shear frustration. "Was that all for nothing! Do any of you have any common sense at all, or do you **prefer** to live on the very fringe of your own mind!"

I think, maybe, that the princess was trying to offend me, but she wasn't doing a very good job. Perhaps some ponies might be offended by her suggestion, but I think I prefer not to have any common sense at all. No, I have more extravagant, interesting and diverse sense, not just boring old common sense.

But before I could express my feelings to the princess, that irritating waiter appeared out of nowhere and interrupted us again, "Pardon me, Princess Celestia, your highness?"

I think Princess Luna was really starting to hate that waiter.

The waiter, however, seemed to be the only one left who was still concerned with the destroyed table and his eyes remained focused on the catastrophe I had refused to believe.

Predicting his question, Celestia responded quickly. "Oh, don't worry about the table, waiter. We haven't really noticed a difference."

"Actually, that's not why I am here, your highness." The waiter finally turned away from the disaster and looked at Celestia. "I'm here because you requested that I was to inform you if one of your guests made a substitution to their meal."

Shocked by this news, Celestia stiffened in her place.

"Of course! Thank you, sir!" Picking herself up off the floor in a hurry, she then turned to us and with a quick nod, she said, "Ladies. I have important business matters to attend to."

She then took her leave from the table and abandoned the rest of us to ignorance. What was she talking about? The waiter seemed to know, but he did not have any desire to share that information with us and hurried back to the kitchen instead.

I didn't let it bother me. I was hungry!

I reached across the table for the meat.

"At least let us clean it off first." Luna said. "We don't like thou, impostor, but we do not wish to see thou stuff thy mouth with broken glass."

I reluctantly complied and paused for a moment while Luna lifted the meat up, plucked all the broken glass and bits of food from it, and set it down on the cleanest piece of porcelain left on the table. I imagine it was part of Celestia's soup bowl, but I could be wrong. There really wasn't any way to tell anymore.

When she was done, I stared at the strange brown blob for a moment. I still wasn't really sure I wanted to eat that thing, but after looking around once more, I concluded that it was the most appetizing thing left on the table and I just kind of bit gently into the side of it. My teeth sunk effortlessly into the meat and I proceeded to tear off a tiny chunk and sit back in my seat.

Luna and Trixie both watched as I leisurely chewed the meat once, then twice, then three times. It was... It was strange. It was juicy and... interesting and...

"**THIS IS FANTASTIC!**" I shouted in delight. "T**his is the best thing I have ever had. **It's amazing.** It's wonderful!** It's tasty and delicious and savoury all at once and I..."

Trixie looked a little surprised, obviously not expecting me to actually like that horrible-looking brown mass.

Luna just smiled.

"I want **more**." I said.

I picked up the meat with both hooves and ripped off another chunk of the thing. The juices rolled gently down my arms and soaked the cuffs of my white shirt, but I didn't even care. I didn't care what I looked like eating this thing. Nothing in this world, even muffins, could compare to what I was eating now!

Luna's smile grew brighter.

"Give me some!" Trixie pleaded.

I didn't want to share it, but it felt criminal to keep this magnificent thing all to myself.

I tossed the juicy brown lump to Trixie. With her magic, she caught it in mid-air and very gently nibbled the side of it.

"**This is amazing!**" Trixie laughed out loud.

She took a massive chunk out of the thing with her teeth and then passed it back to me so I could do the same.

Luna started to laugh. It was quiet at first, insignificant even, but the more we chewed and swallowed and enjoyed that awesome thing called 'meat', the louder it grew.

We ignored her and ate the meat like ravenous animals! Trixie seemed to forget her magic and simply stole the thing away from me with her bare hooves. And after what only seemed like seconds, the huge blob of brown was reduced to a tiny scrap and eventually disappeared completely. The only thing left of it was the red juice that covered our lips and hooves and the delicious taste that still coated our throats and our memories.

But that wasn't enough! We wanted more! We wanted so much more! But seeing that there was none left in the immediate area and finally starting to recognize the now passionate volume of Luna's laughter beside us, we felt we couldn't ignore her any longer.

"You alright?" Trixie asked, licking her lips and her stained hooves a few times before wiping the last remnants off on the tablecloth.

Luna smiled fervently. "We should ask you the same thing! After all, thou just ate every last scrap of the meat!"

Trixie let out an exasperated sigh.

"Alright, Trixie admits defeat, **your majesty**." Trixie bowed gingerly, not really putting much effort or care into the gesture at all. "You were right. Trixie was wrong. The meat was delicious."

"That's not what we mean." Luna shook her head. "What you just ate was..."

Luna paused and gently giggled to herself. But Trixie found nothing funny in her laughter. The long silence seemed to concern her more and more and my companion's attitude quickly took a turn for the worse.

"**What! What was it!**" Trixie demanded. "**Was it garbage! Was it**-"

"**LAMB!**" Luna finally cried out.

Trixie looked like she had seen a ghost, but I didn't quite understand.

"What do you mean?" I asked Luna.

"You ate a sheep!" Luna grinned and put a strange emphasis on her words. "You ate an animal that we cooked over the grill! **You ate an animal and, **we dare say,** you enjoyed it to!**"

_Ate... an animal..._ The thought filled my head like a cloud of buzzing locusts. _Did I really eat an animal... and... enjoy it?_

"You mean..." Trixie's voice shook in the air. "You killed something... and then fed it to us?"

Luna chuckled and nodded with content. "Yes!"

Trixie's face turned a faint green and she turned away.

My stomach began to rumble.

Suddenly, Trixie turned back to the table with a smile as big as her face. The green was gone completely and she seemed quite genuinely happy about something.

"Hahaha!" Trixie laughed.

Luna was astonished. As was I.

"Trixie was just joking! She loved the meat! The meat was delicious! She doesn't care that it came from a sheep!"

"But..." Luna's grin quickly faded. "Thou hast eaten an animal!"

"All the better!" Trixie pounded her chest with her hoof. "Now Trixie feels like a vicious conqueror!"

My faithful companion got up from her seat on the floor and raised a hoof threateningly.

"**BOW DOWN TO THE GREAT AND ALL POWERFUL TRIXIE, MORTALS! BOW DOWN NOW OR TRIXIE WILL BE FORCED TO EAT YOU!**"

When she had finished shouting, Trixie returned to her seat with a proud look on her face.

"How many ponies can say they've **eaten** an animal!" Trixie smirked. "How many ponies can say they **enjoyed** eating an animal!"

Luna was a little more disgusted than angry. She was visibly shaken by Trixie's response, evidently expecting a much different reaction.

"And thou?" Luna cast a worried glance towards me. "Don't tell us thou enjoyed it too?"

My stomach was still rumbling in an unsettling fashion.

And then I burped and the rumbling feeling was gone.

I shrugged. "I thought it was pretty good."

Luna looked horrified.

"What have we done...?" she whispered to herself.

"I'll have some more if you've got it." I added. "I didn't get to-"

But before I could finish my sentence, screams and hollers filled the air like trumpets!

Panic arrested me and I had absolutely no clue what was happening.

"**WHY! OH CELESTIA, WHY!**" a voice cried out in dismay.

"**The horror! THE HORROR!**" another voice shrieked.

"**And that's what you get for making substitutions!**" Celestia's voice warned.

Luna turned pale, Trixie turned pale, and I finally realized what 'business matters' Celestia had been referring to.

A disgusting scent wafted in my direction.

I didn't want anymore meat.

"Well, what do you know. I think I made enough room for dessert." Celestia smiled as she wandered back to our table.

Luna was clearly not enjoying herself. "Sister... We are not even going to ask."

"Haha!" Celestia laughed. "I pooped on that pony's plate!"

Luna covered her face in embarrassment and shame.

Celestia sat down at the table and scratched her head.

"I still can't find any alcohol, though." she admitted. "It's too bad, because I think I'm sobering up now. I really thought I would enjoy pooping on that pony's plate, but I kind of feel... bad for him..."

I could tell that these weird new feelings confused the princess. She tried to shake them away, but it was a futile effort.

"Well, I guess if I'm sober, it might as well be during the speeches and the presentations." the white alicorn sighed. "Twilight? Did I give you a program in that letter I sent you?"

I never got a program, so I shook my head in denial. But to be honest, I wasn't really thinking about that, and from what I could tell, neither was Trixie.

Celestia was changing. Her voice was growing clearer and more elegant. It was like she was turning into a completely different pony and it was happening so fast it was unreal.

And then it hit me. I finally understood! I knew what the alcohol was doing to her!The alcohol must have suppressed some kind of gene in the princess that made her **boring!**

Luna slowly turned to her sister and smiled. She knew exactly what was happening. This is what she wanted all along. She **wanted** the princess to be boring! The boring princess must have paid more attention to boring details like clothes and the colour of a pony's hair and the sound of a pony's voice. The boring princess would be especially boring and so she would see that I wasn't really Twilight Sparkle! The boring princess would throw me out of the party!

_Oh, but if only she knew the truth. If only she knew that I was fighting an evil minion of the darkness! If only she knew that my goal was to keep a terrible tyrant at bay!_

I hid my face behind a hoof, trying to disguise my appearance from Celestia.

"I really do hope I did, Twilight." the boring princess said. "It would be a very foolish mistake on my part if I forgot to send you a program. I know how much you like to plan ahead and follow all the events in their precise order. You know, that's part of the reason I asked you to come..."

The boring princess was very boring and I found it especially difficult to pay attention and listen to her boringness. However, when her boring voice suddenly shifted to a more interesting, concerned voice, she grabbed my attention again.

"...Twilight?" the slightly less boring princess asked.

I peered over the top of my hoof and looked at the two alicorns. Luna was as happy as a pony could be, but Celestia was really very concerned.

"Are you alright? You don't look well, Twilight." Celestia asked gently.

Trixie leaned towards me and whispered in my ear. "We need more alcohol! Anything! **Now**!"

I began to sweat. We had neglected this problem for far too long and now it was almost too late.

I felt around in my pockets, hoping, wishing for something to be there that could help me. But when my hoof fell back upon that cold bottle resting in my pocket, everything went terribly wrong.

My mind went fuzzy. I forgot all about our problem. I forgot all about Celestia and Luna and Trixie and the entire party. All I wanted was that sweet, delicious syrup. But when I pulled the bottle out of my pocket, I could feel somepony else's eyes watching it. Trixie saw it. She saw the bottle and she smiled.

"Haha! Hooves, you devil, you!" Trixie chuckled quietly. "Why didn't you tell Trixie you had that bottle? That's exactly what we need."

_Exactly what WE need! _I thought, instinctually becoming defensive of my beautiful bottle of tasty maple syrup._ HA! I think not. This bottle is mine._

"Give it to Celestia." Trixie said, still smiling.

I turned slowly to face my friend and stared at her with a cold gaze. "I don't want to give it to Celestia."

"What do you mean? Celestia needs that bottle." Trixie persisted.

I was starting to get angry. Why did she want it? What was she going to do with it?

"Well I don't **want** to give her the bottle." I fought back.

Trixie leaned in closer, but I quickly leaned away. She was trying to take it from me!

"I think you should give the bottle to Celestia, Hooves. Is that so hard?" she asked.

"Well, no... and... yes." I replied, gently caressing the bottle with the end of my hoof. "Now it comes to it, I don't feel like parting with it. It's **mine**, I found it. **It came to** **me**!"

"There's no need to get angry." Trixie said.

How could she say such a thing!

"Well if I'm angry it's your fault!" I gnashed back at her. "It's mine... my only... my precious."

"I think you've had that bottle quite long enough."

"**You want it for yourself!**" I screamed and jumped to my hooves.

Without looking back, not even once, I ran through the dining hall, passed all the tables, all the waiters and all those stupid nobles and straight out into the main hall. When I got there, I rushed behind one of the stalls and pushed my back against a corner. I wanted to make sure that no pony had followed me, so I carefully peered around the stall and out into the hall. But no pony had followed me. The whole room was empty... deserted. Sure, the signs and the stalls were still there, but all the ponies were gone. They were all in the dining hall, eating and having a good time, not a single care in the world plaguing their thoughts.

I was... I was finally all alone. All alone with the maple syrup... the stupid maple syrup...

I hated it. I hated that stupid syrup, that stupid thing in my pocket and I was beginning to realize again why I had left it all behind in the first place.

I wanted to smash it... I didn't care if I needed it. I didn't care if Celestia needed it. I didn't care if the whole world needed it! I wanted to smash it!

I ripped that horrible glass bottle out of my pocket. But as soon as I cranked my neck back and prepared to deliver the fatal blow, somepony interrupted me.

It was Trixie. She was just standing there, looking at me, but somehow she had still stopped me from breaking that bottle. I don't know what it was. Maybe it was her eyes, maybe they had some kind of mysterious telekinetic power that I didn't know about. Or maybe it was some kind of mind-controlling drug in her brilliant starry purple hat, the very same one she had put on my head earlier this evening.

Or maybe it was something else entirely...

Trixie smirked and slowly shook her head. "Don't be stupid, Hooves."

Maybe I was finally beginning to understand what it meant to have a real friend in this world.

I gently set the bottle on the ground and smiled back at my friend.

"Derpy." I said. "My name is Derpy Hooves."

"Well don't expect to get the other half of **Trixie's** name, Derpy." my friend said with a smile. "Trixie hates it. It's like something from the back of a cereal box."

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><p>Author's Notes:<p>

Hello everyone! Sorry this chapter is so late. I have been busy with a number of other projects. In addition to my usual activities, I'm learning how to sew...

...for the exclusive purpose of making pony plushies. It's really hard work designing patterns and getting everything to fit properly. I never imagined I would have to do so much math...

Anyway, my thanks goes out to both my editor, Specter Von Baren, and my prereader, themadkossak. Your time and patience are much appreciated and you both really help keep this story rolling on the right track.

If you have any questions or comments about the story, feel free to email me at admin . I also keep a close eye on the comments below, so you can reach me there too.

* * *

><p>Disclaimer:<p>

"My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic" and its derivatives are the sole intellectual property of Hasbro©. I do not have, nor claim to have, the rights to the intellectual property that this story is based on.


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